Hap Schneider: Say, how about a little square-dancin'? Yahoo!
[jumps on the table and it collapses]
Party Guest: Alright?
Hap Schneider: Must be these boots, I'm used to dancing in my bare feet. How's everybody? Ah! Yahoo!


--Phil Silvers (as Hap Schneider) in Lucky Me

Otto Meyer: [Honking car as it pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, alright? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on!
[claps his hands over and over]
Otto Meyer: Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!


--Phil Silvers (as Otto Meyer) in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Otto Meyer: [turns around to see a helicopter]
[shouts]
Otto Meyer: Look out!
Nervous Motorist: What? Wh-Who...?
Otto Meyer: Don't stop driving man. Keep going!
Nervous Motorist: What? What is it?
[turns around, sees the helicopter and spins back around]
Nervous Motorist: That's a police helicopter!
Otto Meyer: Yeah, that's what it looks like. They always use them.
Nervous Motorist: Who always uses them?
Otto Meyer: Who do you think?


--Phil Silvers (as Otto Meyer) in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Otto Meyer: Hey, wait a minute! I can't cross here. You said the main road. This is Niagara Falls. Alright, look. You're a little boy. You wanna be a big boy? Which way to the main road?


--Phil Silvers (as Otto Meyer) in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Otto Meyer: I haven't got much time, so if you love your country, if you're a patriot, you listen and you listen hard. You've got to get to a phone and you've got to make a call.
Nervous Motorist: I gotta make a call?
Otto Meyer: Yes, you gotta call Intelligence. Central Intelligence Agency, Washington D.C.
Nervous Motorist: Well what on earth...?
Otto Meyer: [shouts] Listen! All right, tell them you heard from X-27, you got it? X-27. X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life already today. They had me down a silver mine, they tried to drown me. Can you handle a gun? Okay. Ah! Good. There's a cafe. Pull right in there, you use that phone.
Nervous Motorist: Well, I don't...
Otto Meyer: Will you shut up! You're in no danger. They've never seen you. Now pull in.
[they drive into the parking lot]
Otto Meyer: All right, good, now get in there and tell the operator "Emergency priority" and then ask for the CIA. All right, jump out. Go on, you're not in any danger. They don't know you. You're all right. Look, I'll dock the car and come back for you. For God's sake, man, don't stand there in the street. They'll see you. They'll spot you! Go on. Get out!


--Phil Silvers (as Otto Meyer) in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Otto Meyer: So, what's wrong with your wife?
Miner: That's the trouble, the doc's not sure. He says whatever it is, she's too sick even to be moved. She needs this special stuff and we haven't got a phone so I went to get it and that's when... Slow down, the turning is just up here.
Otto Meyer: Turning? You mean it's off the road?
Miner: Only a mile.
Otto Meyer: Now look, Pal, I'm in a hurry...
Miner: HOLD IT! Stop the car. Now listen, buddy, I'm sorry about your problems. But the doc said to hurry and this is my wife. Now come on, we turn right here.
Otto Meyer: But there isn't even a road...
Miner: LISTEN! Don't force me to get rough!
[Rips the steering wheel ring off]
Miner: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car.
Otto Meyer: That's alright. You say it's a mile? Heck, a mile ain't asking too much.


--Phil Silvers (as Otto Meyer) in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Phil - Ice Cream Vendor: You don't have to yell at me because I'm a little obnoxious


--Phil Silvers (as ) in Tom, Dick and Harry

Rusty Parker: Oh, how I hate oysters!
Genius: Ain't they repulsive?


--Phil Silvers (as Genius) in Cover Girl