Jeff Peters: Turkey, from now on you're sacred.
Turkey Jackson: What do you mean, sacred?
Jeff Peters: You just became a full-blooded American idiot.
Turkey Jackson: No, you do it! Who's gonna believe *I'm* an idiot?
Jeff Peters: Will you look at the head start you got?

Turkey Jackson: A fine thing. First, you sell me for two hundred bucks. Then I'm gonna marry the Princess; then you cut in on me. Then we're carried off by a desert sheik. Now, we're gonna have our heads chopped off.
Jeff Peters: I know all that.
Turkey Jackson: Yeah, but the people who came in the middle of the picture don't.
Jeff Peters: You mean they missed my song?

Turkey Jackson: Aunt Lucy. I can see her now, lying on her dying bed, looking at you with those big, trusting eyes. 'Before I go, Jeff, promise me one thing,' she said. 'Promise me you'll always be a friend to little Orville,' she said. 'No matter what happens, you'll never leave the little jerk,' she said. 'Promise me, Jeff, promise me,' she said.
Jeff Peters: Yeah, then she up and died before I had the chance to say no.

Turkey Jackson: We're going to get married on... . uh... . when is the big day, Dream Thing?
Princess Shalmar: When the moon, in its last quarter, silvers the blossoms of the almond tree. That's Tuesday night, about nine.

Turkey Jackson: You can't sell me, you don't own me!
Jeff Peters: No, not now, no. [pointing at Arab] He does.

[after Mullay Kasim rides through town with his men yelling and firing their rifles in the air]
Jeff Peters: Say fuzzy, who is that headstrong impetuous boy?
Bystander: He is Mullay Kasim, the Desert Sheik.
Turkey Jackson: What'd he come to town for, a manicure?
Bystander: Oh, he loves the Princess Shalmar of Karameesh. He has come here to ask her to marry him.
Jeff Peters: I'd hate to be around when he comes for a divorce!

Jeff Peters: Orville, where are you?
Turkey Jackson: Right over here, behind these goosepimples.

Jeff Peters: We must storm the place.
Turkey Jackson: You storm. I'll stay here and drizzle.

Turkey Jackson: How'd you get the spinach, old boy?
Jeff Peters: Funny thing, a guy I've never seen before in my life gives me 2,500 Kolacs... that's 200 federal diplomas, are you listening?
Turkey Jackson: 200 skins? Why, what for?
Jeff Peters: I sold him something.
Turkey Jackson: Well you've got nothing to sell! We've already hocked your pivot tooth.
Jeff Peters: It wasn't much, but it was all I had, and was he anxious to get it!
Turkey Jackson: What did you sell him?
Jeff Peters: Look, uh, Orville, I want you to keep very calm now. Don't get excited.
Turkey Jackson: [grabbing Jeff, nervous] What did you sell him?
Jeff Peters: You.
Turkey Jackson: Oh, well, for a minute I - HUH? Me? Wait a minute, get that guy and give him those fish back! What's the matter with you, you can't sell me, I'm not a horse! It's just the way I comb my hair!

Turkey Jackson: I hope she didn't hear that. The dead have a way of coming back you know.
Jeff Peters: Get out, when they're dead they're dead.
Turkey Jackson: Not Aunt Lucy, she was a Republican.