Chicolini: Now I aska you one. What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?
Prosecutor: That's irrelevant.
Chicolini: Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa that answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.

[reading Babe's first column about Deeds]
MacWade: "At two o'clock this morning, Mr. Deeds held up traffic while he fed a bagful of doughnuts to a horse. When asked why he was doing it, he replied, 'I just wanted to see how many doughnuts this horse would eat before he asked for a cup of coffee.'"

The Waiter: Whumsical is more Whimsical than Whamsical.

Longfellow Deeds: Hand me my pants. I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.
Walter: You have no pants, sir. You came home last night without them.
Longfellow Deeds: I did what?
Walter: As a matter of fact, you came home without any clothes at all. You were in your shorts. Yes, sir.
Longfellow Deeds: Don't be silly, Walter. I couldn't walk around on the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.
Walter: That's what the two policemen said, sir.
Longfellow Deeds: What two policemen?
Walter: The ones who brought you home, sir. They said you and another gentleman kept walking up and down the street shouting "back to nature! Clothes are a blight on civilization! Back to nature!"

Mrs. Durant: Oh, isn't he a marvelous dentist?
Harvey Greenfield: Great.
Mrs. Durant: But with his talents he would have made an even better obstetrician.

Father Fitzgibbons: A golf course is nothing but a poolroom moved outdoors.