Gail Hendrix: Mr. Helm, now do I look like an enemy agent?
Matt Helm: Well I dunno, I haven't seen the latest models yet.


--Dean Martin (as Matt Helm) in The Silencers

Gail Hendrix: You undressed me once and I didn't like it.
Matt Helm: Now you're confusing romance with first aid.


--Dean Martin (as Matt Helm) in The Silencers

Moe: Captain, help me out, will you? I'm dealing with two mental midgets here. Now, when I say "go", we'll all point to the right. Go!
[they all point in different directions. Joe slaps them]
Joe Jarrett: Go!


--Dean Martin (as Joe Jarrett) in 4 for Texas

Julian Wall: Men of good will have done a perfectly dreadful job of running the world. Perhaps it's time for a change. Admit it, I can't do much worse.
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, I think you can. I have faith in you.


--Dean Martin (as ) in Murderers' Row

Julian Wall: Now can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't drop you to the ground?
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Certainly, I'll get killed.


--Dean Martin (as ) in Murderers' Row

Abigail 'Abby' Parker: Well, that was uncalled for.
Rick Todd: I could've sworn I heard you call.


--Dean Martin (as ) in Artists and Models

Jose Ortega: [toasting] Cheers!
Francesca Madeiros: [also toasting] Skol!
Matt Helm: Sure it's cold. It's got ice in it.


--Dean Martin (as ) in The Ambushers

Zelda Spooner: ...Bobby Darin or Elvis.
Dino: Elvis who?
Zelda Spooner: I suppose you have never heard of the Beatles either.
Dino: Oh sure. And I can sing better that all three of them.
Zelda Spooner: There are four of them!
Dino: Oh, haven't you heard? One of them got his hair caught in his guitar and was electrocuted.
Zelda Spooner: You can make jokes about them but they're young and they're popular, while you...
Dino: What about me?
Zelda Spooner: Let's face it, you are over the hill.
Dino: Sure you do know how to hurt a fellow.


--Dean Martin (as ) in Kiss Me, Stupid

Courier Slaygirl: Long distance call for you, Mr. Helm. Hop aboard.
Courier Slaygirl: [Matt sits himself down on the back of her scooter] I go pretty fast. Better find something to hang on to.
Matt Helm: [Matt knowingly looks at the camera] Crazy.


--Dean Martin (as ) in The Ambushers

Member of firing squad: Silence!
Matt Helm: I believe the expression is, eh, 'Silence, Yankee dog', eh?
Matt Helm: [the guard does not answer] 'Yankee pig'?


--Dean Martin (as ) in The Ambushers