Huge Turk: I didn't sleep well last night.
The Great Man: You didn't, eh?
Huge Turk: I'm troubled with insomnia.
The Great Man: Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it.
Huge Turk: Yeah?
The Great Man: Get plenty of sleep.
Huge Turk: Sleep, unh?
The Great Man: That's what a doctor told me, heh, heh.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Little Girl: Hey, mister!
J. Effingham Bellweather: [with his back toward her] Uh, hello, little boy. I'm...
Little Girl: Would you give me a dollar?
J. Effingham Bellweather: [without turning around] Oh, it's a little girl.
[turning around]
J. Effingham Bellweather: Hello, little girl. How old are you?
Little Girl: Five years old!
J. Effingham Bellweather: Five years old?
Little Girl: [grasping a box] Would you give me a dollar to put in my bank?
J. Effingham Bellweather: I'll give you a dollar to put in your bank if you'll sing me a song.
Little Girl: Give me the dollar first!
J. Effingham Bellweather: Ah, you're more than five! Go on, get out of here!


--W.C. Fields (as ) in The Golf Specialist

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Are you really a man?
The Great Man: Well, I've been called other things...


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: The only game I've ever played is bean-bag.
The Great Man: Bean-bag... ah, it's very good. Becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris; many people were killed.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Waitress: And another thing. Don't be so free with your hands.
The Great Man: Listen, honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Adolph Berg: [after throwing Wolfinger to free himself from a wrestling hold] Did I hurt yuh?
Ambrose Wolfinger: How could you hurt anybody throwing them on their head?
[In pain]
Ambrose Wolfinger: Oh, dear! Oh. oh. oh!


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Man on the Flying Trapeze

Hotel Manager: I'm the manager of this hotel.
Professor Quail: I wouldn't brag about it if I were you.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in International House

J. Frothingham Waterbury: Gosh!... Oh, pardon my language.
Egbert Sousé: That's okay. I swear sometimes myself.


--W.C. Fields (as Egbert Sousè) in The Bank Dick

J. Pinkerton Snoopington: Can't we, eh, pull the shade?
Egbert Sousé: You can pull anything you want in here. It's a regular joint.


--W.C. Fields (as Egbert Sousè) in The Bank Dick

Homicidal maniac in cell: I had three wives.
Ambrose Wolfinger: Oh, yes.
Homicidal maniac in cell: But this is the first one I killed in all my life!
Ambrose Wolfinger: Oh, that's in your favor, yeah.
Homicidal maniac in cell: [Groans]
Ambrose Wolfinger: They have no more case against you than a sheep has against a butcher.


--W.C. Fields (as ) in Man on the Flying Trapeze