Dr. Lao:
This is the circus of Dr. Lao. We show you things that you don't know. Oh we spare no pains and we spare no dough, oh we want to give you one hell of a show. And youth may come and age may go, but no more circuses like this show.
--Tony Randall (as Dr. Lao / The Abominable Snowman / Merlin the Magician / Apollonius of Tyana / Pan / The Giant Serpent / Medusa / Audience Member) in 7 Faces of Dr. Lao
--Tony Randall (as Dr. Lao / The Abominable Snowman / Merlin the Magician / Apollonius of Tyana / Pan / The Giant Serpent / Medusa / Audience Member) in 7 Faces of Dr. Lao
Harold Ventimore:
[to bowing men in Middle Eastern garb] Oh, for Pete's sake get up, this is not Baghdad it's Pasadena.
--Tony Randall (as Harold Ventimore) in The Brass Bottle
--Tony Randall (as Harold Ventimore) in The Brass Bottle
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:
Congratulate me, boy. I've saved the day! I've been working with my lawyers and we've come up with an ironclad document that will hold up in any court. This solves everything.
Jerry Webster: Great. What is it?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: A full and complete confession. Sign.
Jerry Webster: Are you kidding? I could go to jail for five years.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: No. That's covered in here. We make a deal with the judge. Two years. Sign.
[puts pen in Jerry's hand]
Jerry Webster: Forget it.
[throws pen]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Two years! It's like being drafted. Think of me as your commander in chief. Greetings from the president. Sign.
[puts pen back in Jerry's hand and tries to manipulate it to force a signature]
Hadley: I couldn't find Dr. Tyler anywhere. The guy has disappeared.
Jerry Webster: That tears it!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Hadley.
[opens window]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Step over to the window.
Hadley: Mr. Ramsey I told you. I am not going to jump!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You don't have to jump. I'll trip you. Huh? Double indemnity. Your wife will be loaded. Kids'll go to college. Right? Come on, boy! Run!
[holds up his leg in front of the window]
Jerry Webster: Pete, knock it off!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: [to Jerry] You won't sign.
[to Hadley]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You won't jump. I'm surrounded by traitors.
--Tony Randall (as Peter 'Pete' Ramsey) in Lover Come Back
Jerry Webster: Great. What is it?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: A full and complete confession. Sign.
Jerry Webster: Are you kidding? I could go to jail for five years.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: No. That's covered in here. We make a deal with the judge. Two years. Sign.
[puts pen in Jerry's hand]
Jerry Webster: Forget it.
[throws pen]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Two years! It's like being drafted. Think of me as your commander in chief. Greetings from the president. Sign.
[puts pen back in Jerry's hand and tries to manipulate it to force a signature]
Hadley: I couldn't find Dr. Tyler anywhere. The guy has disappeared.
Jerry Webster: That tears it!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Hadley.
[opens window]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Step over to the window.
Hadley: Mr. Ramsey I told you. I am not going to jump!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You don't have to jump. I'll trip you. Huh? Double indemnity. Your wife will be loaded. Kids'll go to college. Right? Come on, boy! Run!
[holds up his leg in front of the window]
Jerry Webster: Pete, knock it off!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: [to Jerry] You won't sign.
[to Hadley]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You won't jump. I'm surrounded by traitors.
--Tony Randall (as Peter 'Pete' Ramsey) in Lover Come Back
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey:
I told you sex would get you in nothing but trouble.
--Tony Randall (as Peter 'Pete' Ramsey) in Lover Come Back
--Tony Randall (as Peter 'Pete' Ramsey) in Lover Come Back
Rockwell Hunter:
I'm not a failure. I'm the largest success there is. I'm an average guy. And all us average guys are successes. We run the works! Not the big guy behind the big desk!
--Tony Randall (as Rockwell P. Hunter / Himself / Lover Doll) in Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?
--Tony Randall (as Rockwell P. Hunter / Himself / Lover Doll) in Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?
Ed Cunningham:
Hey! How come you speak perfect English all of a sudden?
Dr. Lao: [no accent] Oh, it comes and goes. Whatever dialect the mood requires.
Ed Cunningham: Oh, it just comes and goes?
Dr. Lao: [thick Chinese accent] Whassa matta you? Alla time asking silly questions! Wise guy!
--Tony Randall (as Dr. Lao / The Abominable Snowman / Merlin the Magician / Apollonius of Tyana / Pan / The Giant Serpent / Medusa / Audience Member) in 7 Faces of Dr. Lao
Dr. Lao: [no accent] Oh, it comes and goes. Whatever dialect the mood requires.
Ed Cunningham: Oh, it just comes and goes?
Dr. Lao: [thick Chinese accent] Whassa matta you? Alla time asking silly questions! Wise guy!
--Tony Randall (as Dr. Lao / The Abominable Snowman / Merlin the Magician / Apollonius of Tyana / Pan / The Giant Serpent / Medusa / Audience Member) in 7 Faces of Dr. Lao
George Welch:
Oohh... there'll be children... lots of children. Coffman, there's a bonus in this for you if they get married - and double if there's a baby - a boy.
Alexander Coffman: I'll do whatever I can, sir.
--Tony Randall (as Alexander Coffman) in Let's Make Love
Alexander Coffman: I'll do whatever I can, sir.
--Tony Randall (as Alexander Coffman) in Let's Make Love
Marge Drayton:
What kind of stuff has he got?
George Drayton: See that slow ball he just dropped in there? That's his fast ball.
--Tony Randall (as George Drayton) in Boys' Night Out
George Drayton: See that slow ball he just dropped in there? That's his fast ball.
--Tony Randall (as George Drayton) in Boys' Night Out
[an evening heart-to-heart between Dr. Lao and Mike]
Dr. Lao: Mike, let me tell you something. The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it. The way the sun goes down when you're tired, comes up when you want to be on the move. That's real magic. The way a leaf grows. The song of the birds. The way the desert looks at night, with the moon embracing it. Oh, my boy, that's... that's circus enough for anyone. Every time you watch a rainbow and feel wonder in your heart. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand. Every time you stop and think, "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic!" Every time such a thing happens, you're part of the Circus of Dr. Lao.
Mike: I don't understand.
Dr. Lao: Neither do I.
--Tony Randall (as Dr. Lao / The Abominable Snowman / Merlin the Magician / Apollonius of Tyana / Pan / The Giant Serpent / Medusa / Audience Member) in 7 Faces of Dr. Lao
Dr. Lao: Mike, let me tell you something. The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it. The way the sun goes down when you're tired, comes up when you want to be on the move. That's real magic. The way a leaf grows. The song of the birds. The way the desert looks at night, with the moon embracing it. Oh, my boy, that's... that's circus enough for anyone. Every time you watch a rainbow and feel wonder in your heart. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand. Every time you stop and think, "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic!" Every time such a thing happens, you're part of the Circus of Dr. Lao.
Mike: I don't understand.
Dr. Lao: Neither do I.
--Tony Randall (as Dr. Lao / The Abominable Snowman / Merlin the Magician / Apollonius of Tyana / Pan / The Giant Serpent / Medusa / Audience Member) in 7 Faces of Dr. Lao
