Marta: Can we really keep the puppet show, Uncle Max?
Max: Of course. Why else do you think I had Professor Cohen send the bill to your father?


--Richard Haydn (as Max Detweiler) in The Sound of Music

Baron Holenia: [optimistically] In this, our moment of sorrow, I venture to offer some consolation. There will be other days. She'll give us some puppies yet.
Dr. Zwieback: Yes, that's the way to look at it. Come spring and we can count on another litter.
Emperor Franz-Josef: [sadly] Hmmm... the question is - can I count on another spring?


--Richard Haydn (as Emperor Franz) in The Emperor Waltz

Caterpillar: By the way, I have a few more helpful hints. One side will make you grow taller...
Alice: One side of what?
Caterpillar: ...and the other side will make you grow shorter.
Alice: The other side of what?
Caterpillar: THE MUSHROOM, OF COURSE!


--Richard Haydn (as Caterpillar) in Alice in Wonderland

Caterpillar: Recite.
Alice: Oh. Yes sir. How doth the little bumblebee improve each...
Caterpillar: Stop. That is not spoken correctically. It goes: How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail. And pour the waters of the Nile, on every golden scale. How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws. And welcomes little fishes in, with gently smiling jaws.
Alice: Well, I must say, I've never heard it that way before.
Caterpillar: I know. I have improoooved it.


--Richard Haydn (as Caterpillar) in Alice in Wonderland

Caterpillar: Who are you?


--Richard Haydn (as Caterpillar) in Alice in Wonderland

Emperor Franz-Josef: [about Virgil] We both agreed that with him you had only one chance in a million to be happy
Johanna Augusta Franziska: Your majesty thinks that I am happy? Isn't one chance in a million better than no chance at all?
Emperor Franz-Josef: My dear, you are much to pretty for mathematics.


--Richard Haydn (as Emperor Franz) in The Emperor Waltz

Jonathan Wilson: It may interest you to know that after the use of my nasal bath the Marquis Rockamere, a distinguished speaker, was for the first time clearly understood when he addressed the House of Lords last week.


--Richard Haydn (as Jonathan W. Wilson) in Cluny Brown

Max: How many have I had?
Maid: Two.
Max: Make it an uneven three.


--Richard Haydn (as Max Detweiler) in The Sound of Music

Max: I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I'm making.
Captain von Trapp: You have no choice.
Max: I know... That's why I'm making it.


--Richard Haydn (as Max Detweiler) in The Sound of Music

Max: I like rich people. I like the way they live. I like the way I live when I'm with them.


--Richard Haydn (as Max Detweiler) in The Sound of Music