Moe: What's the idea of the three watches?
Shemp: That's the way I tell time.
Moe: How do you tell time?
Shemp: This one is ten minutes slow. This one is twenty minutes fast. The one in the middle is broke; it stopped at two o'clock.
Moe: Well, how do you tell the time?
Shemp: I take the ten minutes slow, subtract it from the twenty minutes fast, and divide by the two in the middle.
Moe: Well, what time is it now?
[Shemp pulls a fourth watch out of his pocket]
Shemp: Oh, it's 9:30.
Moe: [bonks Shemp on the head] Why, you...


--Moe Howard (as ) in Studio Stoops

Moe: Why are you keeping your money layin' around in cans for? Why don't you put it in a bank?
Jimmie: Will a bank give it back to us?
Curly: Oh, sure! They didn't use to, but now they do!
Larry: And when you take it out they give you some more! I had a dollar once...
Moe: That's enough.


--Moe Howard (as ) in Cash and Carry

Moe: You get a rope that'll reach to the 10th floor and step on it.
Larry: Hey, you better bolt that door in case our adversaries come back.
Moe: Good idea. "Adversaries?"
Larry: Yeah!
Moe: Since when did you get so smart?
Larry: Oh, I've been smart all the time, only you didn't know it. Say, when I come back, I'll give you the password.
Moe: Brilliant! What'll it be?
Larry: [Whispering] Open the door.
Moe: [Slaps Larry]


--Moe Howard (as ) in Studio Stoops

Moe: You got em!


--Moe Howard (as ) in The Hot Scots

Moe: You know any girls?
Shemp: [pulls a black book out of his pocket] I got a lot of numbers, but haven't had much luck with them lately.
Moe: Well, you can't get killed for trying. Where's a phone?
Shemp: [turns around and points] There's a booth down the hall.
Moe: [grabs Shemp's hair and pulls him towards the door before he can finish his sentence] Well, what are we waiting for?


--Moe Howard (as ) in Brideless Groom

Moe: You mean you'll let us paper the living room?


--Moe Howard (as ) in You Natzy Spy!

Operator 14: [eating the cake that contains an oven mitt] How's yours taste?
Operator 15: Like a mattress.
Operator 14: Want mine?
Operator 15: I'm stuffed now.


--Moe Howard (as ) in Uncivil Warriors

Operator 14: What did you'll say the name of this cake was?
Miss Judith Buttz: Southern Comfort.
Operator 14: Yes, ma'am. Uh, tastes like Southern Comforter.


--Moe Howard (as ) in Uncivil Warriors

Operator 15: You know I quit my job at that bakery.
Miss Judith Buttz: Why?
Operator 15: Oh, I got sick of the dough and thought I'd go on the loaf.
[sound of Moe slapping Curly]
Operator 15: Oh!


--Moe Howard (as ) in Uncivil Warriors

Sgt. Moe: [answering his phone] Hello! Yeah! Detective bureau, Sergeant Moe speaking. Oh, wait a minute, Clancy. Go ahead. You say there's a dead horse on Ticonderoga Street? How do you spell "Ticonderoga"? Oh, you don't know, either. Well, drag him over to First Street.
[hangs up]
Sgt. Moe: I have to think of everything.


--Moe Howard (as ) in Tricky Dicks