Marjorie Blake: I think Julia's awfully interested in you.
John Augustus Miller: She's gonna turn my libido outward.
Marjorie Blake: What for?
John Augustus Miller: Just so she can look at it, I guess.


--Joe E. Brown (as ) in Local Boy Makes Good

[Ossie and Jack are in a diner getting breakfast, and after the waitress brings them their food, Ossie knocks the salt shaker over, spilling the salt]
Ossie Simpson: Oops. Spilled the salt.
[Ossie starts pouring the salt over his left shoulder, dumping it on Pancho, who is sitting right next to him]
Pancho: Hey! Look!
[Pancho points to the salt on his shoulder]
Ossie Simpson: Ah! Dandruff!


--Joe E. Brown (as ) in Broadminded

[Pancho and Ossie are in a heated argument]
Pancho: If I were not in a hurry, I would wait outside!
Ossie Simpson: I wouldn't wait.


--Joe E. Brown (as ) in Broadminded

[repeated line]
Ossie Simpson: Remember what your father said...


--Joe E. Brown (as ) in Broadminded

[writing notes down in his notebook]
Ossie Simpson: Monday - Jack flirted with waitress. Knows a good dish when he sees one. Period.


--Joe E. Brown (as ) in Broadminded

Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
Daphne: Is that so?
Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
Daphne: You're not sure?
Osgood: Mama is keeping score.


--Joe E. Brown (as Osgood Fielding III) in Some Like It Hot

Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Osgood: Why not?
Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
Osgood: Doesn't matter.
Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don't care.
Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
Osgood: I forgive you.
Jerry: [Tragically] I can never have children!
Osgood: We can adopt some.
Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood!
[Finally gives up and pulls off his wig]
Jerry: Ohh... I'm a man!
Osgood: Nobody's perfect!


--Joe E. Brown (as Osgood Fielding III) in Some Like It Hot

Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood!
[Pulls off his wig]
Jerry: Ohh... I'm a man!
Osgood: Nobody's perfect!


--Joe E. Brown (as Osgood Fielding III) in Some Like It Hot