Ellen Moore: I feel wonderful Mr Carver, I had no idea having one's appendix out could be so exhilarating. I feel ten years younger.
Frederick Carver: Splendid! Splendid!
Ellen Moore: Be honest now. Do I really look like a woman of forty?
Frederick Carver: You really feel as young as that?
Ellen Moore: No, that's what I am!


--Joan Sims (as ) in Carry On Again Doctor

Joan Fussey: [Sid has taken Joan to the cinema to see a nudist film] You told me this film was all about camping!
Sid Boggle: It is. They've got tents, haven't they?
Joan Fussey: That's not what you're looking at!


--Joan Sims (as ) in Carry On Camping

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: [brushing off a collapsed ceiling] Oh dear! I seem to have got a little plastered!


--Joan Sims (as ) in Carry On up the Khyber

Lily Duveen: You know it'll take ninety-nine years to clear up this dump.
Bert Handy: Yeah, well, step by step. That's the method. Little by little.
Sam Twist: Okay then, boss, where do we start?
Bert Handy: Well, I reckon to make it easier for us to walk about, we ought to sweep the floor first.
Delia King: I don't wish to interfere, but I'd have thought it'd be better to start cleaning at the top of the house.
Lily Duveen: Yes, quite right, I mean disturbed dust will only fall down and muck up what we've already cleaned up.
Francis Courtenay: Ladies and gentlemen, may I submit, with the greatest of respect, and for the sake of efficient team working, that we all belt up!
Bert Handy: Hear, hear!
Lily Duveen: Always the gent!
Sam Twist: Ooh, ain't he common!
Francis Courtenay: Let us put ourselves in the hands of Mister Handy and listen to what he says.
Delia King: Well, I bow to the majority, of course, but I'd like it noted that I did suggest the suggestion I suggested.
Lily Duveen: And very suggestive it was, too!


--Joan Sims (as ) in Carry On Regardless

Felicity Wheeler: Are you satisfied with your equipment, Miss Allcock?
Sarah Allcock: Well, I've had no complaints so far!


--Joan Sims (as ) in Carry On Teacher

Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Tell Major Shorthouse to call me an elephant.
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: He needn't bother I'll do it. You're an elephant!


--Joan Sims (as ) in Carry On up the Khyber

The Khasi of Kalabar: [Lady Ruff Diamond has the photograph] I must take that with me now
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Then take me with it
The Khasi of Kalabar: But what about your husband?
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh, we don't want him!
The Khasi of Kalabar: Will he not be displeased that you come away with me?
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh, of course
[tearful]
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: My poor Sidney will be ever so upset!
The Khasi of Kalabar: Oh, do not worry unduly, before many days he and the others will all be dead
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: [happy] Oh well, that's alright then, innit!


--Joan Sims (as ) in Carry On up the Khyber

[Lily is being fondled by an amorous actor whose hands are all over her]
Martin Paul: I *like* Helping Hands.
Lily Duveen: [primly] And I don't like "helping yourself" hands.


--Joan Sims (as ) in Carry On Regardless