Murray Burns: If things aren't funny then they're exactly what they are; and then they're like a long dental appointment.


--Jason Robards (as Murray) in A Thousand Clowns

Murray Burns: Irving R. Feldman's birthday is my own personal national holiday. I did not open it up for the public. He is proprietor of perhaps the most distinguished kosher delicatessen in our neighborhood, and, as such, I hold the day of his birth in reverence.


--Jason Robards (as Murray) in A Thousand Clowns

Murray Burns: Nick, you are about to see a horrible, horrible thing.
Nick: What's that Murray?
Murray Burns: People going to work.


--Jason Robards (as Murray) in A Thousand Clowns

Murray Burns: Tell you the truth, it's even a little better for me if he goes. I mean, he's a middle-aged kid. When I signed up with the network he sat up all night figuring out the fringe benefits and the pension plan. And he started to make lists this year. Lists of everything; subway stops, underwear, what he's gonna do next week. If somebody doesn't watch out he'll start making lists of what he's gonna do next year and for the next ten years. Hey, suppose they put him with a whole family of list makers. I didn't spend six years with him so he should turn into a list maker. He'll learn to know everything before it happens, he'll learn to plan, he'll learn how to be one of the nice dead people. Are you listening?


--Jason Robards (as Murray) in A Thousand Clowns

Murray Burns: You might call Nick a bastard... or a little bastard, depending on how whimsical you feel at the time.


--Jason Robards (as Murray) in A Thousand Clowns

Raymond Paine: Ha, ha, ha, ha, you've met a girl. Ah, Chick, my boy, when it comes to girls you have three qualities that are far worse than being short and funny-looking. You have the curse of the three D's: you are decent, devoted and dependable. Good qualities in a dog, disastrous in a man. Women like bastards.
Chick Williams: No wonder they *love* you.
Raymond Paine: Yes, I'm a BFC - Bastard First Class.


--Jason Robards (as Raymond Paine) in The Night They Raided Minsky's

Nick: I can imitate the voice of Alexander Hamilton. I do Alexander Hamilton, and Murray does a terrific Thomas Jefferson. We got the voices just right.
[Murray and Nick speak to each other in normal tones throughout]
Murray Burns: [to Nick] Hi, Alex, how're you doing?
Nick: Fine. Say, Tom, you should have been in Congress today.
Leo: This is ridiculous! You can't do an imitation of Alexander Hamilton, nobody knows what he sounds like!
Nick: That's the funny part.
Murray Burns: You missed the funny part, Leo.


--Jason Robards (as Murray) in A Thousand Clowns

[first lines]
Murray Burns: [shouts at rows of houses] Neighbors, I have an announcement for you. I have never seen such a collection of dirty windows. Now I want to see all of you out there on the fire escape with your Mr. Clean bottles, and let's snap it up!


--Jason Robards (as Murray) in A Thousand Clowns

[in a candlelit restaurant]
Waiter: Have you decided on your luncheon order, sir?
Murray Burns: Yes. I'll have a hamburger. And a flashlight.


--Jason Robards (as Murray) in A Thousand Clowns

[last lines]
Cheyenne: Hey, Harmonica - when they do you in, pray it's somebody who knows *where* to shoot... Go away... go away... go away, I don't want you to see me die.


--Jason Robards (as Cheyenne) in Once Upon a Time in the West