Professor Wagstaff: [singing] I don't know what they have to say / It makes no difference anyway / Whatever it is, I'm against it. / No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it! / Your proposition may be good / But let's have one thing understood: / Whatever it is, I'm against it. / And even when you've changed it or condensed it, I'm against it! / For months before my son was born / I used to yell from night till morn: / Whatever it is, I'm against it! / And I've kept yelling since I've first commenced it, I'm against it.


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: [the retiring president has just made a speech] Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: [to lecturing anatomy professor] Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along?


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: And I say to you gentlemen that this college is a failure. The trouble is we're neglecting football for education.
Professor in Wagstaff's Study, Professor in Wagstaff's Study: Exactly. The professor is right.
Professor Wagstaff: Oh, I'm right, am I? Well, I'm not right, I'm wrong. I just said that to test you. Now I know where I'm at- I'm dealing with a couple of snakes. What I meant to say was that there's too much football and not enough education.
Professor in Wagstaff's Study, Professor in Wagstaff's Study: That's what I think.
Professor Wagstaff: Oh, you do, do you? Well, you're wrong again! If there was a snake here, I'd apologize.


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?
Baravelli: You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call 'em up on the telephone, then I send 'em my chauffer.
Professor Wagstaff: Oh, have you got a chauffer? What kind of a car have you got?
Baravelli: Oh, I no got a car, I just got a chauffer.
Professor Wagstaff: Well maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffer, aren't you supposed to have a car?
Baravelli: Well I had one, but-a you see it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffer so I sold the car.
Professor Wagstaff: Well that shows you how little I know. I would've kept the car and sold the chauffer.
Baravelli: That's a-no good. I gotta have a chauffer to take me to work in the morning.
Professor Wagstaff: Well if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?
Baravelli: He don't have to take me to work, I no got a job.
Professor Wagstaff: Baravelli, this is the finish: how much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: Jumping anaconda!


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.
The Professors: But, Professor, where will the students sleep?
Professor Wagstaff: Where they always sleep: in the classroom.


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers

Professor Wagstaff: Who was that?
Connie: The ice man.
Professor Wagstaff: Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice.


--Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers