Bob Roland: We've got to get rid of that man at once. Now I've got a plan. You say something to make him mad, and he'll strike you... and we'll force him to leave the country.
Rufus T. Firefly: That's a swell plan... why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?
Bob Roland: Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man. Perhaps if you insult him. He's very easy to insult. Why, I said something to Vera Marcal in his presence once, and he slapped my face.
Rufus T. Firefly: Why didn't Vera slap your face?
Bob Roland: She did.
Rufus T. Firefly: What'd you say to her?
[Roland whispers it in his ear. Firefly slaps his face]
Rufus T. Firefly: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where'd you hear that story?
Bob Roland: Why, you told it to me.
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh yes, I remember. I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.


--Groucho Marx (as Rufus T. Firefly) in Duck Soup

Jamison: Any luck with the 4:30?
Hammer: Yeah. It didn't hit me.


--Groucho Marx (as ) in The Cocoanuts

Indian Chief: How.
Peter Minuit: Three minutes, and leave 'em in the shell.


--Groucho Marx (as ) in The Story of Mankind

Hilda Manny: If I don't come back you'll know it's good news.
Gordon Miller: And if you do come back bring four bottles of poison.


--Groucho Marx (as Gordon Miller) in Room Service

Martha Phelps: Tell me, Wolfie dear, will we have a beautiful home?
Wolf J. Flywheel: Of course. You're not planning on moving, are you?
Martha Phelps: No, but, uh, I'm afraid after we're married awhile, a beautiful young girl will come along, and, uh, you'll forget all about me.
Wolf J. Flywheel: Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.


--Groucho Marx (as ) in The Big Store

Mrs. Claypool: Are you sure you have everything, Otis?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't had any complaints yet.


--Groucho Marx (as Otis B. Driftwood) in A Night at the Opera

Mrs. Claypool: Get off that bed. What would people say?
Otis B. Driftwood: They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman.


--Groucho Marx (as Otis B. Driftwood) in A Night at the Opera

Mrs. Claypool: I've been sitting right here since seven o'clock.
Otis B. Driftwood: Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.


--Groucho Marx (as Otis B. Driftwood) in A Night at the Opera

Mrs. Potter: Get out of this room, or I'll scream for the servants.
Hammer: Let the servants know! Let the whole world know! About us!
Mrs. Potter: You must leave my room. We must have regard for certain conventions.
Hammer: One guy isn't enough, she's gotta have a convention.


--Groucho Marx (as ) in The Cocoanuts

Mrs. Teasdale: As chairman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Rufus T. Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?


--Groucho Marx (as Rufus T. Firefly) in Duck Soup