George Burns: I just lost my mind.
Gracie Allen: What a shame. Where did you have it last?


--Gracie Allen (as ) in Here Comes Cookie

Gracie Allen: [to Botts] I can't drink coffee in the morning. It keeps me awake all day.


--Gracie Allen (as ) in Here Comes Cookie

Gracie De Vore: Breakfast'll be ready in six minutes.
George Edwards: Six minutes?
Gracie De Vore: Yeah, I just put it on... two three minute eggs.


--Gracie Allen (as ) in Six of a Kind

Gracie Martin: [seeing Doris Worthington in a pit] We just caught Tarzan's mate!
George Martin: Tarzan is a character in a book.
Gracie Martin: Well, maybe he got out!


--Gracie Allen (as Gracie Martin) in We're Not Dressing

Gracie Martin: My uncle is a hunter.
George Martin: I'd rather not hear about it.
Gracie Martin: My uncle always goes out duck hunting. Now, Monday he takes four dogs, and Tuesday he takes three dogs, and Wednesday...
George Martin: Gracie! Gracie, why does he take four dogs Monday and three dogs Tuesday?
Gracie Martin: Well, because the other dog won't follow him on Tuesday.
George Martin: Why?
Gracie Martin: Because he shot him on Monday.
George Martin: Nice work. He aims at little innocent birds and shoots dogs.
Gracie Martin: Yeah, all except one dog. His favorite dog. His name is Scram.
George Martin: Your uncle's name is Scram?
Gracie Martin: Oh stop, no, the *dog's* name is Scram. You see, that saves my uncle a lot of money calling him Scram.
George Martin: Because the dog's name is Scram that saves your uncle a lot of money?
Gracie Martin: For sure. You see, when he calls the dog to feed, he hollers "Scram, Scram" and the dog runs away.


--Gracie Allen (as Gracie Martin) in We're Not Dressing

Nurse Allen: [on phone] No, the doctor isn't in just now. Oh, he won't be back for a long, long time. He went out on one of those eternity cases.


--Gracie Allen (as ) in International House

George Martin: [watching through binoculars] Gracie, my gun! A bird!
Gracie Martin: What?
George Martin: A bird! A bird!
Gracie Martin: O, my goodness. Here.
[hands him a live duck]
George Martin: Not a duck. My gun! How can you shoot with a duck?
Gracie Martin: Well, my father used to shoot ducks. But maybe that duck wasn't loaded, eh?
George Martin: The duck wasn't loaded but I'd like to bet that your father was.
Gracie Martin: Well, if he wasn't then why did the duck shoot my father because I always thought...
George Martin: Quiet! Quiet! Well, I missed him. He's gone and that was a stratospheric duck and very rare.
Gracie Martin: Well, I am just as glad that you missed him because I don't like rare ducks. I like my ducks well-done.
Gracie Martin: Now, take my uncle.
George Martin: *You* take your uncle.
Gracie Martin: They did.


--Gracie Allen (as Gracie Martin) in We're Not Dressing

Harrison Allen: [Grace emerges from underneath her bed with a book] Gracie, what were yoy doin'\ Grace, what were you doing with that book.
Gracie Allen: Someone told me to read 'Dr. Jekyll' and hide.


--Gracie Allen (as ) in Here Comes Cookie

[Millie has just spotted movie star Brooks Mason on the deck of a cruise ship]
Millicent 'Millie' De Grasse: My dream man! I'm gonna meet him in person. And I'm warning you, if he makes one false move, I'm his!
Miss Dorothy 'Dot' March: I suppose you think it'll do you a lot of good to throw yourself at him.
Millicent 'Millie' De Grasse: Throw myself at him? If I thought it would do any good, I'd have myself shot at him out of a cannon!


--Gracie Allen (as ) in Honolulu