Albert Peterson: [singing] Oh one last kiss... there never was such bliss... I love your dentifrice!


--Dick Van Dyke (as Albert F. Peterson) in Bye Bye Birdie

Bert: [about his chalk drawings] Not Royal Academy, I suppose. Still better than a finger in the eye, ain't they?


--Dick Van Dyke (as Bert / Mr. Dawes Senior) in Mary Poppins

Bert: Bert'll take care of you; like I was your own father. Now, who's after you?
Jane: Father is.
Bert: What?


--Dick Van Dyke (as Bert / Mr. Dawes Senior) in Mary Poppins

Bert: Now this imposin' edifice what first meets the eye is the 'ome of Admiral Boom, late of His Majesty's Navy. Likes his house ship-shape, he does. Shipe-shape and Bristol fashion at all times!
Admiral Boom: Time Gun ready?
Mr. Binnacle: Ready and charged, Sir.
Admiral Boom: Three minutes and six seconds.
Mr. Binnacle: Aye, aye, sir.
Bert: What he's famous for is punctuality. The whole world takes its time from Greenwich, but Greenwich, they say, takes its time from Admiral Boom. Wotcher, Admiral!
Admiral Boom: Good afternoon to you, young man. Where are you bound?
Bert: Number 17. Got some parties 'ere in tow what wants to see it.
Admiral Boom: Enter that in the log.
Mr. Binnacle: Aye, aye, sir.
Admiral Boom: A word of advice, young man. Storm signals are up at number 17. Bit of heavy weather brewing there.
Bert: Thanks, sir. Keep an eye skinned.
[continues walking]
Bert: Here we are, 17 Cherry Tree Lane, home of George Banks Esquire.
[screaming and shouting is heard from the house]
Bert: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Admiral's right. Heavy weather brewin' at number 17 and no mistake.


--Dick Van Dyke (as Bert / Mr. Dawes Senior) in Mary Poppins

Bert: What did I tell ya? There's the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars and the chimney sweeps.


--Dick Van Dyke (as Bert / Mr. Dawes Senior) in Mary Poppins

Bert: Winds in the east, mist coming in, / Like somethin' is brewin' and bout to begin. / Can't put me finger on what lies in store, / But I fear what's to happen all happened before.


--Dick Van Dyke (as Bert / Mr. Dawes Senior) in Mary Poppins

Bert: You know, begging you pardon, but the one my heart goes out to is your father. There he is in that cold, heartless bank day after day, hemmed in by mounds of cold, heartless money. I don't like to see any living thing caged up.
Jane: Father? In a cage?
Bert: They makes cages in all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of 'em, carpets and all.


--Dick Van Dyke (as Bert / Mr. Dawes Senior) in Mary Poppins

Caractacus Pott: You'll find a slight squeeze on the hooter an excellent safety precaution, Miss Scrumptious.


--Dick Van Dyke (as Caractacus Potts) in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Lt. Robin Crusoe: [First lines] Dearest, sweet, thoughtful, understanding Jane, I know you won't believe this, sweetheart, but here goes anyway. You may recall, you and I were to be married a year ago last June. As I didn't turn up for the wedding, and so much time has gone by, I can imagine you have been wondering, ha ha, what happened.


--Dick Van Dyke (as Lt. Robin Crusoe) in Lt. Robin Crusoe, U.S.N.

Lt. Robin Crusoe: [Using a home-made bamboo sextant] According... to... my... calculations, I'm somewhere between Elmira, New York, and Muncie, Indiana.


--Dick Van Dyke (as Lt. Robin Crusoe) in Lt. Robin Crusoe, U.S.N.