Hans: That's the nice thing about the world, my friend: People.


--Danny Kaye (as Hans Christian Andersen) in Hans Christian Andersen

Hans: You know I like to think that shoes have a mind of their own. The ones that squeak don't want to leave the shop, and the ones that don't fit don't like the person that's wearing them.


--Danny Kaye (as Hans Christian Andersen) in Hans Christian Andersen

Hans: You know, I never saw such a worrier as you, Peter. You want to worry? I'll give you something to worry about. Two years ago I took you out of that orphanage and promised them I'd make you into a good cobbler. Two whole years! Look at that shoe. Glue's all smeared, the nails go in crooked. Two years an apprentice and still the nails go in crooked.
Peter: I'm not as bad as all that, am I? You're not going to send me back, are you?
Hans: Ah! A new worry appears in the sky.


--Danny Kaye (as Hans Christian Andersen) in Hans Christian Andersen

Hans: You'd be surprised how many kings are only a queen with a mustache.


--Danny Kaye (as Hans Christian Andersen) in Hans Christian Andersen

Hubert Hawkins: [disguised as an old man] Have you seen a group in the forest?
[Jean, pretending to be a deaf mute, makes a lot of hand gestures in response]
Hubert Hawkins: She says, "No."
Captain of the Guard: What took her so long?
Hubert Hawkins: Stutters.


--Danny Kaye (as Hubert Hawkins) in The Court Jester

Hubert Hawkins: Why be gloomy, cut off thy nose to spite thy face? Listen to me. A nose is hard to replace.


--Danny Kaye (as Hubert Hawkins) in The Court Jester

Pfc. Ernie Williams: I'm on a salt-free, fat-free, high protein, low calorie, low cholesterol diet.


--Danny Kaye (as ) in On the Double

Phil Davis: [about Bob's idea to help the General] I think it's ridiculous, impossible, and insane!
Bob Wallace: Anything else?
Phil Davis: Yes, I wish I'd thought of it first.


--Danny Kaye (as Phil Davis) in White Christmas

Phil Davis: [about the train tickets] I don't have them. I must have left them in my girdle.


--Danny Kaye (as Phil Davis) in White Christmas

Phil Davis: [describing his injury after "falling down the stairs] Probably just a small internal muscular hemorrhage.


--Danny Kaye (as Phil Davis) in White Christmas