His Wife: Where are we?
The Boat Builder: Damfino.


--Buster Keaton (as The Boat Builder) in The Boat

Milton's Fiancée: Last night you said you couldn't live without me, do you remember that?
Milton: I must've been drunk.


--Buster Keaton (as Milton) in The Timid Young Man

Leila Crofton: Well, I should think she'd be able to take one look at you and realize that if you were left alone with a woman... why...
Reginald Irving: We'd both be safe.
[pause]
Reginald Irving: I-I was in a house one time, aaall alone with the most beautiful French maid... and she tried to kiss me. She was baking a pie...
Leila Crofton: And what did you do?
Reginald Irving: ...I ate the pie.


--Buster Keaton (as Reginald Irving) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath

Fatty: [filling up Buster's molasses bucket, he walks off with it] Aren't you forgetting something?
[the quarter]
Buster: [points to the bucket] It's in there.


--Buster Keaton (as Buster) in The Butcher Boy

Jeffrey Haywood: Now, when you first get to your room, order some... uh, champagne and broiled lobster.
Reginald Irving: Champ... Ch... Can't you make it beer?
Jeffrey Haywood: Beer? Certainly not. Champagne!
[pause]
Jeffrey Haywood: C, H, A, M, P, A, uh... oh, well, make it wine. W, I, N, E.
Reginald Irving: Oh well, what do I call her?
Jeffrey Haywood: Oh, call her... kid, sweetheart, baby...
Reginald Irving: Kid, sweetheart, baby.
Jeffrey Haywood: Uh huh. And then when you're helping her to take off her...
Reginald Irving: Take off her what?
Jeffrey Haywood: Wrap!
Reginald Irving: R, A, P.
Jeffrey Haywood: No, WRAP! *W*, R, A, P.
Reginald Irving: Wap?
Jeffrey Haywood: Wap?... Well, make it coat.
Reginald Irving: K, O, T, E.


--Buster Keaton (as Reginald Irving) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath

Eleanor Espere: Tell me, Timmy. Have you ever seriously thought of marriage?
Professor Post: Yes... that's why I'm single.


--Buster Keaton (as Professor Post) in Speak Easily

Bertie: All they do here is knock off hats, but I enjoy it. It occupies the mind.


--Buster Keaton (as Bertie Van Alstyne) in The Saphead

Bertie: Do all these seats cost 100,000 dollars?


--Buster Keaton (as Bertie Van Alstyne) in The Saphead

Bertie: I'm good. I've tried my best to get over it - but I can't - and I still kneel down and say my prayers every morning - before I go to bed.


--Buster Keaton (as Bertie Van Alstyne) in The Saphead

Elmer: [to his girlfriend, thinking he's going to jail] No matter what happens, my last thought will always be of you.
[they both get dragged into a room that's revealed to be the judge's office]


--Buster Keaton (as Elmer) in The E-Flat Man