Mark Wallace: If there's one thing I really despise, it's an indispensable woman.


--Albert Finney (as Mark Wallace) in Two for the Road

Mark Wallace: Just wish that you'd stop sniping.
Joanna Wallace: I haven't said a word!
Mark Wallace: Just because you use a silencer doesn't mean you're not a sniper.


--Albert Finney (as Mark Wallace) in Two for the Road

Mark Wallace: My skin is made of asbestos.


--Albert Finney (as Mark Wallace) in Two for the Road

Mark Wallace: Why is it whenever you give a woman everything she wants she gets so bloody-minded?


--Albert Finney (as Mark Wallace) in Two for the Road

Tom Jones: [Mr. Allworthy's recovery means Mr. Thwackum and others will not be receiving their expected inheritance. Apropos of this, Tom drunkenly taunts Mr. Thwackum with a song] - Sing, thick Thwackum, your bounty's flown.
Mr. Thwackum: [Indignant] You have good reason for your drunkenness, you beggarly bastard. He provided well enough for you.
Tom Jones: Do you think any such consideration could weigh with me? Damn you, Thwackum!
Mr. Thwackum: How dare you, sir!
Tom Jones: And damn me if I don't open another bottle.
[Tom laughs mockingly at Mr. Thwackum]
Tom Jones: I shall sing you a ballad which I have entitled "Sing, Thick Thwackum, Thy Bounty has Flown."
Tom Jones: [Drunkenly proceeds to taunt Mr. Thwackum with a mocking song] Sing, Thick Thwackum, thy bounty has flown. You lost all the money you thought that you'd own.
Mr. Blifil: [Angrily] Mr. Jones! This house is in mourning on account of the death of my dear mother.
Tom Jones: Forgive me! The joy of Mr. Allworthy's recovery...
Mr. Blifil: [Cutting him off] I had the misfortune to know who my parents were. Consequently, I'm grieved by their loss.
Tom Jones: You rascal! You dare to insult me?


--Albert Finney (as Tom Jones) in Tom Jones

Tom Jones: [Tom Jones has given a gift bird to the musically inclined Sophie Western, who has recently returned from France] I doubt if an English bird can learn French songs, Miss Western.


--Albert Finney (as Tom Jones) in Tom Jones

Tom Jones: It's a good night to be abroad and looking for game.


--Albert Finney (as Tom Jones) in Tom Jones

Tom Jones: Sir, I will stand no jesting with this lady's character!


--Albert Finney (as Tom Jones) in Tom Jones

[Before getting married, hitchhikers Mark and Joanna spend a night in a hotel together]
Mark Wallace: This is completely against my principles.
Joanna Wallace: Good. I hate to think that it happened all the time.
Mark Wallace: I had absolutely no intention of sleeping in hotels.


--Albert Finney (as Mark Wallace) in Two for the Road

[Mark and Joanna see a bickering couple]
Mark Wallace: That's marriage for you.
Joanna Wallace: That's marriage for *them*.
Mark Wallace: That's marriage - full stop.


--Albert Finney (as Mark Wallace) in Two for the Road