Cop in squad car: Hey, what are you doing, Murray?
Murray: Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.

[about Felix]
Oscar Madison: I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

[about how tense Felix is]
Oscar Madison: Look at this. You're the only man in the world with clenched hair.

[In Oscar's absence, Felix succeeds in reducing himself and the Pidgeon sisters to tears]
Oscar Madison: [coming from the kitchen with drinks] Is everybody happy?

Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind!
Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle!
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!

Oscar Madison: Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.

Oscar Madison: I'm in for a quarter.
Murray: Aren't you going to look at your cards first?
Oscar Madison: What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?
Murray: I get a Pepsi.
Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
Roy: You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
Oscar Madison: Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
Murray: What do you got?
Oscar Madison: I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
Murray: What's the green?
Oscar Madison: It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray: I'll take the brown.
[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
Roy: Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
Murray: I'm hungry!
Roy: His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
Oscar Madison: What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!

Oscar Madison: Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?
Felix Ungar: Me, never! Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.
[leaves]
Oscar Madison: So long, Blanche.
[sits down at the poker table]
Oscar Madison: Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?
Roy: [they all chime in] Let's play some poker!
Felix Ungar: Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty.