Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!

Oscar Madison: I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, folling me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning...

Oscar Madison: I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
Roy: They can do it, you know.
Oscar Madison: Do what?
Roy: Throw you in jail.
Oscar Madison: Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.
Murray the Cop: Aren't you worried about the kids?
Oscar Madison: Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?
Roy: I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.
Oscar Madison: If you're my accountant, how come I need money?
Roy: If you need money, how come you play poker?
Oscar Madison: 'Cause I need money.
Roy: But you always lose.
Oscar Madison: That's why I need the money.
Roy: Then don't play poker.
Oscar Madison: Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.
[grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]
Oscar Madison: You see, wise guy? Potato chips!
Murray the Cop: Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
[an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]
Murray the Cop: What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!
[the bickering continues]
Murray the Cop: All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.
[they all quiet down]
Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.
Roy: He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.
Oscar Madison: Life goes on even for tho

Oscar Madison: It takes two to make a rotten mariage.

Oscar Madison: Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.

Oscar Madison: Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.
[Felix laughs]
Oscar Madison: The hell's so funny?
Felix Ungar: It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.
[Oscar picks up the linguini and hurls it against the kitchen wall]
Oscar Madison: Now it's garbage.

Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!
Felix Ungar: Take what back?
Oscar Madison: "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?

Oscar Madison: Where are you going?
Felix Ungar: To the john.
Oscar Madison: Alone?
Felix Ungar: I always go alone. Why?
Oscar Madison: No reason. You going to be in there long?
Felix Ungar: As long as it takes.

Oscar Madison: You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.

Oscar Madison: You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?
Felix Ungar: We are what we are.