Gwendolyn Pigeon: It's like Equatorial Africa on our side of the building.
Cecily Pigeon: Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in Nature's own cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing?
Oscar Madison: Well, I'm working on it.
[laughter from the ladies]
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. Ces and I really don't know what to do about it.
Oscar Madison: Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Well, we haven't got one.
Oscar Madison: I know, but we have.
[more peals of laughter from the ladies]

Roy: [sniffs] What's the smell? Disinfectant?
[smells his cards]
Roy: It's the cards. He washed the cards.
[gets up from the table]
Roy: I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
Roy: I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
[leaves]

Roy: What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?
Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.

Sports Writer: Well, that's the ballgame.
Oscar Madison: It's not over yet.
Sports Writer: Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning - you expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead?
Oscar Madison: What's the matter? You've never heard of a triple play?

Felix Ungar: [in the meat department of the supermarket, to the butcher] I'd like, uh, fresh ground.
Butcher: [pointing to the package of hamburger in Felix's hand] That's fresh.
Felix Ungar: That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh.
Butcher: How much?
Felix Ungar: Four pounds. Exactly.
[the butcher gives him a weird look, then turns away to get his hamburger]

Felix Ungar: [serving refreshments at the poker game] Cold glass of beer for Roy...
Roy: Thank you.
Felix Ungar: Where's your coaster?
Roy: My what?
Felix Ungar: Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.
Roy: I think I bet it.
Oscar Madison: [tosses the coaster back to Roy] Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.
Felix Ungar: Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water...
Speed: Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster.
Felix Ungar: I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do.
Oscar Madison: [under his breath] They leave little rings on the table.
Felix Ungar: They leave little rings on the table!
Oscar Madison: [under his breath] And we don't want little rings on the table.

Felix Ungar: Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks.
Oscar Madison: I fail to see the humor.

Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.

Felix Ungar: I was just repeating what I thought you said.
Oscar Madison: Well, don't repeat what you THOUGHT I said, repeat what I said! My god, that's irritating!

Felix Ungar: I'll be in the way.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
Oscar Madison: You want to see a typewritten list?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, haven't you said enough already?