Murray: A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
Oscar Madison: Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.

Murray: Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut!

Murray: How many cards you got, four?
Speed: Yes, Murray, we all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. Do you see how that works now?
Murray: Is Oscar playing or not? Hey, Oscar!
Oscar Madison: [from the kitchen] Yeah?
Murray: Hey Oscar, are you in or out?
Oscar Madison: [blows on a slice of bread he'd dropped on the floor] Out pussycat, out!

Murray: I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.
Vinnie: You mean you just threw him out?
Oscar Madison: That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.
Vinnie: Let what be on your head?
Oscar Madison: How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.
Speed: He's out there somewhere.
Oscar Madison: Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.
Roy: We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
Oscar Madison: Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!
Roy: Us?
Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?
Vinnie: What?
Oscar Madison: A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!

Murray: What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?
Roy: Suppose he tries to kill himself!
Oscar Madison: How's he gonna kill himself in the john?
Murray: Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.
Oscar Madison: Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.
Roy: He could jump!
Vinnie: That's right! Isn't there a window in there?
Oscar Madison: Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.
Murray: Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!
Oscar Madison: He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.
Roy: Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!
[they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]
Roy: He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!
Murray: Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!
Oscar Madison: What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?

Murray: What happened to the apartment?
Oscar Madison: It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Vinnie: If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.
Oscar Madison: You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.

Chambermaid: [to Felix as he walks by] Goodnight.
Felix Ungar: Goodbye.

Speed: Excuse me, sir, but aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?
Murray: You don't like it, get a machine.
Roy: Geez, it stinks in here.

Gwendolyn Pigeon: I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
Felix Ungar: Felix.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, right, Felix.
Cecily Pigeon: Like the cat.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, well, the Pigeon sisters had better beware of the cat.