Gilbert: [wearing a deerstalker and brandishing a calabash pipe] Let's marshal the facts over a pipeful of Baker Street shag.

Gilbert: Can I help?
Iris Henderson: Only by going away.
Gilbert: No, no, no, no. My father always taught me, never desert a lady in trouble. He even carried that as far as marrying Mother.

Gilbert: Come on, sit down, take it easy. What's the trouble?
Iris Henderson: If you must know, something fell on my head.
Gilbert: When, infancy?

Gilbert: I'm about as popular as a dose of strychnine.

Gilbert: What was she wearing? Scotch tweeds wasn't it?
Iris Henderson: Oatmeal tweeds.
Gilbert: I knew it had something to do with porridge.

Dr. Hartz: And I am Dr. Egon Hartz; you may have heard of me.
Gilbert: Not the brain surgeon?
Dr. Hartz: Yes, the same.
Gilbert: Yes, you flew over to England the other day and operated on one of our cabinet ministers.
Dr. Hartz: Oh, yes.
Gilbert: Tell me, did you find anything?

Charters: If only we hadn't missed that train at Budapest.
Caldicott: Well, I don't want to rub it in, but if you hadn't insisted on standing up until they'd finished their national anthem...
Charters: Yes, but you must show respect, Caldicott. If I'd known it was going to last twenty minutes...
Caldicott: It has always been my contention that the Hungarian Rhapsody is *not* their national anthem.

Iris Henderson: I was having tea about an hour ago with an English lady. You saw her, didn't you?
Charters: Well, I don't know, I mean, I was talking to my friend, wasn't I?
Caldicott: Indubitably.
Iris Henderson: Yes, but you were sitting at the next table. She turned and borrowed the sugar. You must remember.
Charters: Yes, I recall passing the sugar.
Iris Henderson: Well then you saw her.
Charters: I repeat we were deep in conversation. We were discussing cricket.
Iris Henderson: Well, I don't see how a thing like cricket can make you forget seeing people.
Charters: Oh, don't you? If that's your attitude, there's nothing more to be said! Come Caldicott. "A thing like cricket!"
Gilbert: Wrong tactics. We should've told him we were looking for a lost cricket ball.

Iris Henderson: I've no regrets. I've been everywhere and done everything. I've eaten caviar at Cannes, sausage rolls at the dogs. I've played baccarat at Biarritz and darts with the rural dean. What is there left for me but marriage?

Iris Henderson: You're the most contemptible person I've ever met in all my life!
Gilbert: Confidentially, I think you're a bit of a stinker, too.