Judge: The witness may testify in his own words.
Cyril Proudbottom: [in court] Right-o, guv'nor; now, I'll give you the facts of the case. For when Toady escaped from his boudoir, he'd come headin' straight for my place. Soon we was off down the 'ighway but hadn't gone far, I confess, when all of a sudden with a rush and a roar, something passed like the London Express. It was big, it was red, it was beautiful: a motorcar! Hee, a bit of alright; Toady was transfixed with, uh, rapture. You could tell it was love at first sight. The motor pulled up to a tavern wherein was located a bar and we watched while some tough-looking weasels got out of that lovely red car. Now weasels, I know, are deceitful and not to be trusted at all... but how I could know they'd stolen that car? I didn't have no crystal ball. And the guv'nor, he's not one to dally, he'd made up his mind like a flash, he says "try it for size, my good Cyril, while I see what they'll take for it, cash!" So into the tavern he saunters, where the barman was back at the bar. And he said, "Cheerio, tavern-keeper! Who's the owner of that, uh, hot-looking car?" The barman, a codger named, uh, Winky, leaned over the bar and said "Why?" The guv'nor answered "That car must be mine! Whatever the price is, I'll buy!" But Toad found he hadn't no money... so he promptly offered a trade; the weasels appeared to be willin', in a moment, the bargain was made. Then Toady drawed up a paper with almost incredible speed and he called on ol' Winky to, uh, pop over and witness the deed. Now the guv'nor's not a bit stingy, he never does anything small: the weasels gave him the red motorcar, heh, and he gave the weasels... Toad Hall!

Mr. Toad: [in court giving his defence] Are you familiar with the defendant J. Thaddeus Toad?
Cyril Proudbottom: Lord love a duck, yes! He's one of the jolliest chaps I've ever run across! And simply *tons* of money!
Prosecutor: [to Cyril] Good fellow, eh? Throws it away... BUT he wasn't throwing it away *that* day! You heard Mr. McBadger's testify that his allowance was cut off! Then how did he get the motorcar?
Cyril Proudbottom: The only way a gentlemen gets anything; the *honest* way.
Prosecutor: And *what* is the honest way?
Cyril Proudbottom: Haha, I thought you wouldn't know that one, guv'nor.
[Everyone laughs]

Mr. Toad: A motorcar! Gad... what have I been missing?
[Toad, having just seen a motorcar go by him, is so enraptured by it that he starts making noises and moving around like a car]
Mole: Ratty! It isn't. He hasn't!
Rat: It is, and he has it: a new mania. Motor mania!

Mr. Toad: Come along! Hop up here! We'll go for a jolly ride! The open road! The dusty highway! Come! I'll show you the world! Travel! Scene! Excitement! Ha ha ha!

Mr. Toad: Gad! What is it?
Cyril Proudbottom: Lumme, Guv'nor! It's a motorcar.
Mr. Toad: Motorcar?
[the motorcar passes by, knocking the cart over and leaving Toad on the ground]
Mr. Toad: A motorcar. Gad! What have I been missing.
[Starts making car noises]

Mr. Toad: I want you fellows to meet my noble steed, Cyril.
Cyril Proudbottom: Aye, that's me.
[Clicks tongue]
Cyril Proudbottom: A bit of a trotter, a bit of a rotter. How do you do, how do you do, how do you DO?
Rat: [lifting his hat] How do you do?
Cyril Proudbottom: [to Toad] Say, gov'nor, your friends appear to be on the stuffy side, what?
[Toad laughs]

Mr. Toad: We'll go for a jolly ride!
[begins to jump rope on the rump of his horse with his buggy whip]

Cyril Proudbottom: Now the Guv'nor is not a bit stingy, he never does anything small. The weasels gave him the red motorcar, and he gave the weasels Toad Hall.
[McBadger clasps his chest and faints]

Mole: Ratty, is isn't... he hasn't...
Rat: It is, and he has. A new mania: motor mania.

Angus MacBadger: [whispering] Careful, lads. There's a guard.
[Toad whips out a rifle]
Mr. Toad: [shouts] I'll pop him off!