Desk Sergeant: What's your name?
Stanley: Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: Say "sir" when you're addressing me. Now what's your name?
Stanley: Sir Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: What's your name?
Oliver: Oliver Norvell Hardy, sir.

The Tiger: Ha ha, hey, you and me is gonna be good pals.
Stanley: Thank you.
[tooth buzzes]
The Tiger: Hey, I heard you the first time. Now don't take advantage of my good humor. But if you do...
[starts to strangle Stan]

The Tiger: Put'er there. Ha ha ha. You're the first guy who had the nerve to raspberry The Tiger. I like a guy that does that.

Insurgent Convict: Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing there? Keep off of my head!
Oliver: Pardon me, I'm a stranger here.

Warden: [seeing Stan and Ollie for the first time]
[sadly]
Warden: My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you're going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you're not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?
Stanley: Yes, sir.
[tooth buzzes]
Warden: [begins to go ballistic] Wha...!
Oliver: It was his tooth...
Warden: [shouts] Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!
Prison Guard: But not in with The Tiger, sir.
Warden: [shouts] Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden.
[shouts]
Warden: Why, I'll take those men, I'll break them! I'll put them in Cell 14. I don't care who's in there! What I'll do with them.

Warden: So they wanted a showdown, did they? They wanted a fight into a finish, did they? Well by the livin' Lucifer, THEY'RE GOING TO GET IT! Go on now, hop to it.

Schoolteacher: How many times does three go into nine?
Stanley: ...Three times.
Schoolteacher: Correct.
Stanley: And two left over.
Schoolteacher: [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?
Oliver: There's only one left over.
Schoolteacher: D'oh!

Schoolteacher: Now, what is a comet? You!
Prisoner: A comet. A comet is a star with a tale on it.
Schoolteacher: Correct.
[points to Stan]
Schoolteacher: Name one.
Stanley: Rin Tin Tin.
Schoolteacher: D'oh!

Schoolteacher: We shall now have an intelligence test. Who was Columbus?
Prisoner: The mayor of Ohio.
Schoolteacher: [pause] What did he do?
Insurgent Convict: He died.
Schoolteacher: Well, of course he died. Who killed him?
The Tiger: Cock Robin.
Schoolteacher: Who said *that*?
The Tiger: I did.
Schoolteacher: [pause] Correct.

Schoolteacher: We will now have the role call. Those that are here will answer "present". Those that are not here will say "absent".