Tyler Fitzgerald: You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds?
Ding Bell: "Old Fashions"? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Well stop kidding, will ya, and make us some drinks! You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the only way to fly!

Third Cab Driver: Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes! Now listen to me, Sir, I...
[Looks back at Melville]
Melville Crump: Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park?
Third Cab Driver: What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation?
Melville Crump: We had an accident. We fell into yellow, alright? Hurry up!

Sylvester Marcus: [into a phone] Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me... Where are you?
Mrs. Marcus: [into the phone] I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City. And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened!
Sylvester Marcus: Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now.
Mrs. Marcus: Will you SHUT UP AND LISTEN?
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy. I'm coming to get you, Mama! Everything is gonna be all right!
[Hangs up]
Lennie Pike: Well?
Mrs. Marcus: So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right!"
Mrs. Marcus: [to Emmeline] Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!

Otto Meyer: [Honking car as it pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, alright? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on!
[claps his hands over and over]
Otto Meyer: Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!

Otto Meyer: [turns around to see a helicopter]
[shouts]
Otto Meyer: Look out!
Nervous Motorist: What? Wh-Who...?
Otto Meyer: Don't stop driving man. Keep going!
Nervous Motorist: What? What is it?
[turns around, sees the helicopter and spins back around]
Nervous Motorist: That's a police helicopter!
Otto Meyer: Yeah, that's what it looks like. They always use them.
Nervous Motorist: Who always uses them?
Otto Meyer: Who do you think?

Otto Meyer: Hey, wait a minute! I can't cross here. You said the main road. This is Niagara Falls. Alright, look. You're a little boy. You wanna be a big boy? Which way to the main road?

Otto Meyer: I haven't got much time, so if you love your country, if you're a patriot, you listen and you listen hard. You've got to get to a phone and you've got to make a call.
Nervous Motorist: I gotta make a call?
Otto Meyer: Yes, you gotta call Intelligence. Central Intelligence Agency, Washington D.C.
Nervous Motorist: Well what on earth...?
Otto Meyer: [shouts] Listen! All right, tell them you heard from X-27, you got it? X-27. X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life already today. They had me down a silver mine, they tried to drown me. Can you handle a gun? Okay. Ah! Good. There's a cafe. Pull right in there, you use that phone.
Nervous Motorist: Well, I don't...
Otto Meyer: Will you shut up! You're in no danger. They've never seen you. Now pull in.
[they drive into the parking lot]
Otto Meyer: All right, good, now get in there and tell the operator "Emergency priority" and then ask for the CIA. All right, jump out. Go on, you're not in any danger. They don't know you. You're all right. Look, I'll dock the car and come back for you. For God's sake, man, don't stand there in the street. They'll see you. They'll spot you! Go on. Get out!

Otto Meyer: I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us...
[to Captain Culpeper]
Otto Meyer: what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me, my mother-in-law is suing me for damages, my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed, my pension has been revoked. And the only reason that you 10 idiots will very LIKELY get off LIGHTLY, is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at!
Third Cab Driver: [sarcastically] Oh, that's tough. Oh ho ho ho.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there'd be something I could laugh at... Anything.

Otto Meyer: So, what's wrong with your wife?
Miner: That's the trouble, the doc's not sure. He says whatever it is, she's too sick even to be moved. She needs this special stuff and we haven't got a phone so I went to get it and that's when... Slow down, the turning is just up here.
Otto Meyer: Turning? You mean it's off the road?
Miner: Only a mile.
Otto Meyer: Now look, Pal, I'm in a hurry...
Miner: HOLD IT! Stop the car. Now listen, buddy, I'm sorry about your problems. But the doc said to hurry and this is my wife. Now come on, we turn right here.
Otto Meyer: But there isn't even a road...
Miner: LISTEN! Don't force me to get rough!
[Rips the steering wheel ring off]
Miner: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car.
Otto Meyer: That's alright. You say it's a mile? Heck, a mile ain't asking too much.

Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: In another couple of minutes, we'll have them in position, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position.
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: [Sarcastically] You're doing a great job, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: Thank you.
Radio tower operator at Rancho Conejo: Why don't we just shoot them down and be through with it?