Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: I'm sorry, we're closed. It's 12:00 on Sunday.
Melville Crump: It's 12:00, they're closed. WAIT A MINUTE! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...
Melville Crump: Dinckler. That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on.

Emmeline Finch: I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.
Mrs. Marcus: You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah but WHAT?
J. Russell Finch: Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down.
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming.
Emmeline Finch: Mother!
Mrs. Marcus: Oh Emmeline, shut up!
[Russell starts to speak]
Mrs. Marcus: And you too!

Emmeline Finch: Oh Russell, I feel sick.
J. Russell Finch: Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know.
Mrs. Marcus: Now what kind of an attitude is that, "these things happen"? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say "these things happen," and that's why they happen! We gotta have control of what happens to us.

Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [into a phone] Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened...
Ginger Culpeper: [voice] So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
Ginger Culpeper: The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years!

Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Now, where have I always told ya that the Smiler hid the dough? Where? Right there!

Capt. T.G. Culpeper: You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
[Everybody stares]
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Nothing will happen here for five minutes.
Secretary Schwartz: Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: No calls. No calls. No more calls.
Lt. Matthews: Something's wrong.
Police sergeant: Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.

Col. Wilberforce: [completely tangled up in the radio's microphone cord] What the HELL is with this wire?

Man in car in desert: Trouble? Having any trouble?
Mrs. Marcus: Yes, and we don't need any help from you!
[Brief pause]
Man in car in desert: Well!

Tyler Fitzgerald: Anybody can fly plane, now here: I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel there. Now put your feet on the rudder. There. Who says this ol' boy can't fly this ol' plane? Now I'm gonna make us some Old Fashioneds the old-fashioned way - the way dear old Dad used to!
Benjy Benjamin: What if something happens?
Tyler Fitzgerald: What could happen to an Old Fashioned?

Tyler Fitzgerald: Uh... Just a minute. I... I cahhn't see.
Ding Bell: What?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I cahhn't - I cahhn't see.
Ding Bell: You cahhn't see? He cahhn't see.
Benjy Benjamin: Must be an eye cold.
Tyler Fitzgerald: George! George!