Phil Green: You aren't going to fit it at all, Kathy! You're just going to give in and let their idiotic rules stand!
Kathy Lacey: What can one person do?
Phil Green: What can they do?
Kathy Lacey: Plenty! Ostracize him!
Phil Green: And you expect me to live there now that I know all this?
Kathy Lacey: Oh, you can't change the whole world!

Phil Green: You still think of your mom, Tommy?
Tommy Green: Sometimes. Not all the time. Just sometimes. How old was I when she died, Pop?
Phil Green: You were four years old. It's been a long time.
Tommy Green: You ever gonna get married again?
Phil Green: Maybe. You want me to?
Tommy Green: I don't care. I like it fine this way.

Phil Green: You want the moon!
John Minify: yeah!... with parsley.

Professor Fred Lieberman: Millions of people nowadays are religious only in the vaguest sense. I've often wondered why the Jews among them still go on calling themselves Jews. Do you know, Mr. Green?
Phil Green: No, but I'd like to.
Professor Fred Lieberman: Because the world still makes it an advantage not to be one. Thus it becomes a matter of pride to go on calling ourselves Jews.

John Minify: I've asked Phil to do a piece on anti-Semitism.
Kathy Lacey: Am I going to get a credit line?
John Minify: You? Why?
Kathy Lacey: Well, don't you remember last winter when that Jewish schoolteacher resigned, and I...
John Minify: Oh, yes. Well, I knew somebody would be asking me for a credit line. I'm always stealing ideas without realizing it.
Kathy Lacey: That's what makes your magazine so original.

Tommy Green: Grandma said to wake you.
Phil Green: It's late, isn't it?
Tommy Green: Yeah. Here's your bathrobe.
Phil Green: I don't want it.
Tommy Green: Put it on, I said!

Tommy Green: Pop, are we Jewish? Jimmy Kelley said we were. Our janitor told his janitor.
Phil Green: Well, what did you tell Jimmy Kelley?
Tommy Green: I said I'd ask you.
Phil Green: Well, it's like this. Remember that movie Kathy and I took you to, and you asked if things like that really happened?
Tommy Green: Kathy said they were pretending.
Phil Green: Well, I'm pretending I'm Jewish for something I'm writing.
Tommy Green: You mean like a game?
Phil Green: Yes, but I'd appreciate it if you promised not to tell anybody it's a game.
Tommy Green: Okay, Pop, sure.

Tommy Green: Pop, what's that?
Phil Green: That's a statue of Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders.
Tommy Green: No kidding? That's what Grandma says you're doing. She says she wishes you'd leave the world alone once in a while.

Resort Clerk: In answer to your question, do you follow the Hebrew religion yourself, or do you just want to make sure?
Phil Green: I've asked a simple question, and I'd like a simple answer.
Resort Clerk: Well, we have a very high-class clientele, and, well...
Phil Green: Then you do restrict your guests to Gentiles?
Resort Clerk: Well, I would hardly say that, and in any event, there seems to have been some mistake because we don't have a single free room in the entire hotel.

Anne Dettrey: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the most brilliant of them all?
Phil Green: And what does the mirror say?
Anne Dettrey: Well, that mirror ain't no gentleman.