Stanley MacLaurel: [after hearing that Sandy MacLaurel killed himself at the sight of his newborn son] That must have been an ugly kid.
Ollie: Sandy MacLaurel was *your father*.

Ollie: All the way from America on a cattle boat...
[shakes bagpipes]
Ollie: for *this*.

Ollie: Good morning Mr. Miggs.
Mr. Miggs - the Lawyer: [looking at them in uniform] God save the queen.

Khan Mir Jutra: [a gunshot is heard behind a screen] Remove the body.
Ollie: [the screen is removed. Stan has his eyes closed and a pistol pointed over his head] What happened?
Stanley MacLaurel: I missed myself.
[cries]

Millie - the Maid: Well, ain't she the 'igh and mighty one, denying a girl a bit o' sparking!
Sergeant Major Finlayson: I'm surprised she didn't hear my knees knocking.

Sergeant Major Finlayson: [reacting to Stan] Sgt. Leatherpuss... doh!

Mrs. Bickerdike: Where is Mr. Hardy? I haven't seen him in the past three weeks.
Stanley MacLaurel: Oh, he's awful sick.
Mrs. Bickerdike: Is that a fact?
Stanley MacLaurel: Hoot, ma'am. You know the day he fell in the water he got an awful cold, and it turned into pneumatics.
Mrs. Bickerdike: Is he very sick?
Stanley MacLaurel: You're darn hootin' he's sick! You know the only thing he can keep on his stomach is a hot water bottle.
Mrs. Bickerdike: My, my, what a predicament!
Stanley MacLaurel: Yeah! I think he's got that too.