[discussing the body count]
Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve.
[angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie]
Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag.
Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
Dr. Einstein: Phoenix?
Jonathan Brewster: The filling station...
Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh!
[slits throat]
Dr. Einstein: Yes.
Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes thirteen.
Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!

[Repeated line]
Jonathan Brewster: Go to bed, Aunt Abby!

[speaking of a character in a play he has seen]
Mortimer Brewster: He sits there *waiting* to be tied up and gagged!
[laughs]
Mortimer Brewster: The big dope!

[to Mortimer]
Elaine Harper: We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!

Aunt Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
Mortimer Brewster: Hmm. Should have quite a kick.

Aunt Abby Brewster: Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth?
Mortimer Brewster: Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.

Martha Brewster: [about the men they have poisoned] Let me see, now. This is eleven, isn't it, Abby?
Abby Brewster: Oh, no, dear. This makes twelve.
Martha Brewster: Abby, dear. I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven.
Abby Brewster: No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.
Martha Brewster: But, Abby, dear. I really don't think you should count the first one.
Abby Brewster: Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve.
Martha Brewster: It does? Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes.
Mortimer Brewster: Makes it twelve? Twelve.

Elaine Harper: [Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine] Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking?
Mortimer Brewster: Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!

Elaine Harper: Now, wait a minute! Listen! You can't marry me one minute and throw me out of the house the next.
Mortimer Brewster: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here?
[pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper]
Elaine Harper: Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster: [picks up the phone] I'm sorry, Judge. But a thing happened. Look, Judge... About Teddy... you see, he's...
Elaine Harper: Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster: [into the phone] You see, Judge, it's his bugle blowing. Yes, the neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set to throw him into a state institution.
Elaine Harper: How do you like that...
Mr. Gibbs: I read an ad here about a room to rent...
Elaine Harper: Oh, shut up!

Teddy Brewster: [His first line] I must be catching cold.
Abby Brewster: No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.