Murray Burns: I just want him to stay with me until I can be sure he won't turn into Norman Nothing. I want to be sure he'll know when he's chickening out on himself. I want him to get to know exactly the special thing he is or else he won't notice it when it starts to go. I want him to stay awake and know who the phonies are, I want him to know how to holler and put up an argument, I want a little guts to show before I can let him go. I want to be sure he sees all the wild possibilities. I want him to know it's worth all the trouble just to give the world a little goosing when you get the chance. And I want him to know the subtle, sneaky, important reason why he was born a human being and not a chair.

Murray Burns: If things aren't funny then they're exactly what they are; and then they're like a long dental appointment.

Murray Burns: Irving R. Feldman's birthday is my own personal national holiday. I did not open it up for the public. He is proprietor of perhaps the most distinguished kosher delicatessen in our neighborhood, and, as such, I hold the day of his birth in reverence.

Murray Burns: Nick, you are about to see a horrible, horrible thing.
Nick: What's that Murray?
Murray Burns: People going to work.

Murray Burns: Tell you the truth, it's even a little better for me if he goes. I mean, he's a middle-aged kid. When I signed up with the network he sat up all night figuring out the fringe benefits and the pension plan. And he started to make lists this year. Lists of everything; subway stops, underwear, what he's gonna do next week. If somebody doesn't watch out he'll start making lists of what he's gonna do next year and for the next ten years. Hey, suppose they put him with a whole family of list makers. I didn't spend six years with him so he should turn into a list maker. He'll learn to know everything before it happens, he'll learn to plan, he'll learn how to be one of the nice dead people. Are you listening?

Murray Burns: You might call Nick a bastard... or a little bastard, depending on how whimsical you feel at the time.

Nick: I can imitate the voice of Alexander Hamilton. I do Alexander Hamilton, and Murray does a terrific Thomas Jefferson. We got the voices just right.
[Murray and Nick speak to each other in normal tones throughout]
Murray Burns: [to Nick] Hi, Alex, how're you doing?
Nick: Fine. Say, Tom, you should have been in Congress today.
Leo: This is ridiculous! You can't do an imitation of Alexander Hamilton, nobody knows what he sounds like!
Nick: That's the funny part.
Murray Burns: You missed the funny part, Leo.

Nick: My simple child reaction of what you did is that you are not funny. Funnier than you is even Stuart Schlossman, who is my friend, and is eleven, and puts walnuts in his mouth and makes noises. What is not funny is to call us names, and what is mostly not funny is how sad you are, and I'd feel sorry for you if it wasn't for how dull you are. And those are the worst-tasting potato chips that I've ever tasted. And that's my opinion from the blue, blue sky.

Nick: See, lady, he was developing into a bum. I mean, you don't want to see somebody you like developing into a bum and doing nutty things. You know what he does? He hollers. Like, we were on Park Avenue last Sunday, and it's very early in the morning, there's no one in the street, see, just all these big, quiet apartment houses; and he hollers, "Rich people, I want to see you all out on the street for volleyball! Let's snap it up!" And you know, sometimes, if we're in a crowded elevator some place, he'll turn to me and he'll say, "Max, there'll be no more of this self-pity. Now, you're forty; it's time you got used to being a midget!" And everybody stares. He has a wonderful time. What are you gonna do with someone who hollers like that?

[first lines]
Murray Burns: [shouts at rows of houses] Neighbors, I have an announcement for you. I have never seen such a collection of dirty windows. Now I want to see all of you out there on the fire escape with your Mr. Clean bottles, and let's snap it up!