Dreyfus: Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world!

Dreyfus: If someone has been murdered here, please let it be Clouseau.

Dreyfus: What about the maid?
Clouseau: The maid?
Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
Dreyfus: Mistake?... in a nudist camp? Idiot! Nincompoop! Lunatic!

Clouseau: [after bumping into Hercule] You fool! I could have killed you with a karatay chop-uh! [tries to leave and runs into him again] You fool! You're off the case!

Clouseau: [after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe] Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand.

Clouseau: And... they were your fingerprints!
Benjamin Ballon: Well, why not? It's my house. I've often been in that closet.
Clouseau: For what reason?
Benjamin Ballon: Last time was moths.

Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: 1 [holding up 1 finger] she was found with the murder weapon in her hand, 2 [holding up 3 fingers] the murder weapon was fresh with blood, 3 [holding up 4 fingers] there were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and 4 [holding up all 5 fingers] all the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?
Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.
Clouseau: You are an idiot, only a fresh faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.
Hercule LaJoy:But the facts.
Clouseau: Listen, who even killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.
Hercule LaJoy: Well who do you suspect?
Clouseau: I suspect everyone.
Hercule LaJoy: Well I suppose that is possible.
Clouseau: Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.

Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.

Clouseau: I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.

Clouseau: Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat... [breaks his pointing stick] You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?
Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
Clouseau: What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.