Dr. Dudley White: It's OK. He fell out of the window.


--Robert Benchley (as Dr. Dudley White) in I Married a Witch

Dr. Dudley White: Oh well, it's late, I've got to be getting into my strait jacket. I'll call a broom.


--Robert Benchley (as Dr. Dudley White) in I Married a Witch

Lecturer: Now the only way in which a polyp resembles other animals at all is that at certain periods of its growth, it does take a sentimental interest in polyps of the... oppositie sex. Now, this presents a very complicated situation as the polyp has no definite sex itself. That is... it's neither one thing or the other. By that I mean the same polyp may be either a boy or a girl according to what or how it happened to feel like being.


--Robert Benchley (as ) in The Sex Life of the Polyp

Lecturer: We took one of the tiny creatures home with us to live. It was at the time a girl polyp, so we called her Mary after Ethel Barrymore. She was at first naturally shy but soon grew accustomed to our mannish ways and became more like a child of our own than a polyp - although she looked more like a polyp than a child of our own.


--Robert Benchley (as ) in The Sex Life of the Polyp

Martin Cortland: Do anything so long as you make my wife believe I was telling the truth when I was lying to her!


--Robert Benchley (as Martin Cortland) in You'll Never Get Rich

Mr. Osborne: Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?


--Robert Benchley (as Mr. Osborne) in The Major and the Minor

Mr. Osborne: You know what I told the mayor? That my only regret is that I have but one wife to give to my country.


--Robert Benchley (as Mr. Osborne) in The Major and the Minor

Stebbins: They love to cable from New York. It makes them think that you're working for them.


--Robert Benchley (as Stebbins) in Foreign Correspondent

Treasurer: I don't think it's generally known that most of our boys are between the age of fourteen.


--Robert Benchley (as ) in The Treasurer's Report

Wilburforce Puddle, hotel manager: A dead body in the hotel! What will the morticians think?


--Robert Benchley (as ) in Three Girls About Town