Bert: It reminds me of me brother. He got a nice cushy job at a watch factory.
Uncle Albert: At a watch factory? What does he do?
Bert: He stands about all day... and makes faces!
Uncle Albert: [laughing hysterically] He makes faces in a watch factory!


--Ed Wynn (as Uncle Albert) in Mary Poppins

Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?
Uncle Albert: [sobbing] I'd be so grateful.
Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he has a nightmare. He was so scared, he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. In the morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth."
[Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder]
Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke.
Uncle Albert: [sobbing] No, and that was nothing like a good joke.


--Ed Wynn (as Uncle Albert) in Mary Poppins

Fairy Godfather: [Fella has fainted] Jack and Jill! Fetch a pail of water!
[Jack and Jill magically appear and dump water on Fella]


--Ed Wynn (as Fairy Godfather) in Cinderfella

Mad Hatter: [after "fixing" the White Rabbit's watch] Two days slow, that's what it is.


--Ed Wynn (as Mad Hatter) in Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter: Clean cup, clean cup. Move down.


--Ed Wynn (as Mad Hatter) in Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter: No wonder you're late. Why, this watch is exactly two days slow.


--Ed Wynn (as Mad Hatter) in Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter: Oh yes mustard! That'll do... Mustard? Don't let's be silly. Now lemon, that's different...


--Ed Wynn (as Mad Hatter) in Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter: Would you like a little more tea?
Alice: Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more.
March Hare: Ah, you mean you can't very well take less.
Mad Hatter: Yes. You can always take more than nothing.


--Ed Wynn (as Mad Hatter) in Alice in Wonderland

Uncle Albert: Speaking of weather, the other day when it was so cold, a friend of mine went to buy some long underwear. The shopkeeper said to him, "How long do you want it?" And my friend said, "Well, from about September to March."


--Ed Wynn (as Uncle Albert) in Mary Poppins

Alice: I'm sorry I interrupted your birthday party. Thank you.
March Hare: Birthday? My dear child, this is NOT a birthday party.
Mad Hatter: Of course not. This is an unbirthday party.


--Ed Wynn (as Mad Hatter) in Alice in Wonderland