Lady having bridge party: Does your drink taste all right?
Moe: A little heavy on the Angora Bitters. In fact, I think the goat walked right through it, I'm sure.

Larry: [after all three are unable to find anyone else to interview] Where is everybody?
Curly: Maybe it's The Fourth of July.
Moe: The Fourth of July in October?
Curly: You never can tell... look what they did to Thanksgiving!

Curly: I'm gettin' sick and tired of this! How old are you?
Football player: Ninteen!
Curly: Now we're gettin' somewhere!
Football player: Eighty-three! Twenty-seven! Twenty-two!
Curly: Why don't you make up your mind?

Curly: Roses are red, and how do you do? Drink four of these and woo, woo, woo, woo!

Moe: [not realizing he is getting replies from Larry] Pardon me sir, but I'm taking census, where were you born?
Larry: Lake Winnipesaukee.
Moe: Lake Winnip-how many in the family?
Larry: I was one of a litter of three.
Moe: Now don't tell me you're the one they kept!
Larry: Nah, I was the one they threw away!

Moe: Are you married or happy?

Moe: Boy, look at that. There must be a hundred thousand people in there. We'll make a fortune!
Curly: Woo-woo!
Moe: How much is four cents times a hundred thousand?
Curly: [With shock] Nyahhh...
[gives in, stands up straight and begins to type in the air with typewriter sound effects. Sweeps his head with the sound of the typewriter bar being pushed back. Finally pulls a strip of paper from his mouth. Reads paper]
Curly: A dollar and a half.
Moe: A dollar and a half?
Curly: That's without the tax!

Moe: Boy, you got brains like Napoleon.
Larry: Napoleon's dead.
Moe: I know it.

Moe: Good morning, sir, I'm the census taker. Are you married or happy?
Henry's wife: Hen-ry!
Moe: [Henry ducks just a vase is thrown by his wife, hitting Moe and knocking him down the stairs] Married.

Moe: Now, calm yourself. We're census takers, madam. How old are you?
Larry: What address is this?
Lady having bridge party: One hundred and two.
Moe: You don't look a day over eighty.
Lady having bridge party: Young man, I'm twenty-nine.
Moe: Oh, yeah?
Lady having bridge party: Well, how do I look?
Moe: Oh, you look like a million.
Larry: Ah, she can't be that old. (Larry and Moe open her mouth and check her teeth.) Forty-three.
Moe: Fifty.
Larry: Forty-three!
Moe: Fifty!
Larry: Forty-three!
Moe: Fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, (mouth begins to move much faster) fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty, fifty...
Curly: Sooold American!