Bert: [about his chalk drawings] Not Royal Academy, I suppose. Still better than a finger in the eye, ain't they?

Bert: All right, I'll do it myself!
Mary Poppins: Do what?
Bert: Bit o' magic!
Michael: A bit of magic?
Bert: It's easy! Let's see... You think. You wink. You do a double blink. You close your eyes... and jump!
[They jump onto the drawing, nothing happens]
Jane: Is something s'posed to happen?
Mary Poppins: Bert, what utter nonsense!
[gives an exasperated sigh]
Mary Poppins: Why do you always complicate things that are really quite simple? Give me your hand please, Michael. Don't slouch. One... two...
[They jump into the chalk picture]

Bert: Bert'll take care of you, just like I was your own father. Now who's after you?
Jane: Father is.

Bert: Bert'll take care of you; like I was your own father. Now, who's after you?
Jane: Father is.
Bert: What?

Bert: It reminds me of me brother. He got a nice cushy job at a watch factory.
Uncle Albert: At a watch factory? What does he do?
Bert: He stands about all day... and makes faces!
Uncle Albert: [laughing hysterically] He makes faces in a watch factory!

Bert: Now this imposin' edifice what first meets the eye is the 'ome of Admiral Boom, late of His Majesty's Navy. Likes his house ship-shape, he does. Shipe-shape and Bristol fashion at all times!
Admiral Boom: Time Gun ready?
Mr. Binnacle: Ready and charged, Sir.
Admiral Boom: Three minutes and six seconds.
Mr. Binnacle: Aye, aye, sir.
Bert: What he's famous for is punctuality. The whole world takes its time from Greenwich, but Greenwich, they say, takes its time from Admiral Boom. Wotcher, Admiral!
Admiral Boom: Good afternoon to you, young man. Where are you bound?
Bert: Number 17. Got some parties 'ere in tow what wants to see it.
Admiral Boom: Enter that in the log.
Mr. Binnacle: Aye, aye, sir.
Admiral Boom: A word of advice, young man. Storm signals are up at number 17. Bit of heavy weather brewing there.
Bert: Thanks, sir. Keep an eye skinned.
[continues walking]
Bert: Here we are, 17 Cherry Tree Lane, home of George Banks Esquire.
[screaming and shouting is heard from the house]
Bert: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Admiral's right. Heavy weather brewin' at number 17 and no mistake.

Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?
Uncle Albert: [sobbing] I'd be so grateful.
Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he has a nightmare. He was so scared, he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. In the morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth."
[Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder]
Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke.
Uncle Albert: [sobbing] No, and that was nothing like a good joke.

Bert: What did I tell ya? There's the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars and the chimney sweeps.

Bert: Winds in the east, mist coming in, / Like somethin' is brewin' and bout to begin. / Can't put me finger on what lies in store, / But I fear what's to happen all happened before.

Bert: You know, begging you pardon, but the one my heart goes out to is your father. There he is in that cold, heartless bank day after day, hemmed in by mounds of cold, heartless money. I don't like to see any living thing caged up.
Jane: Father? In a cage?
Bert: They makes cages in all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of 'em, carpets and all.