Elaine Sampson:
Drink, Mr. Harper?
Lew Harper: Not before lunchtime.
Elaine Sampson: I thought you were a detective.
Lew Harper: New type.
Lew Harper: Not before lunchtime.
Elaine Sampson: I thought you were a detective.
Lew Harper: New type.
Allan Taggert, Sampson's Pilot:
[Leering at Fay through the door] Well...
Lew Harper: [Dismissively] It's nothing like that. She happens to be a hard night's work
Lew Harper: [Dismissively] It's nothing like that. She happens to be a hard night's work
Dwight Troy:
[about Fay Estabrook] Why are you interested in an old bag of worms like her?
Lew Harper: She's not an old bag of worms. She's the sexiest thing I ever seen.
Dwight Troy: Well I disagree, but then, you see, I am married to Miss Estabrook and I know whereof I speak. Hey, don't get me wrong, sport, I am not the jealous type. You want her, you can have her!
Lew Harper: She's not an old bag of worms. She's the sexiest thing I ever seen.
Dwight Troy: Well I disagree, but then, you see, I am married to Miss Estabrook and I know whereof I speak. Hey, don't get me wrong, sport, I am not the jealous type. You want her, you can have her!
Lew Harper:
[Eager to get Fay out of the bar and home] Anyway, if I don't get you home soon, I'm going to explode!
Fay Estabrook: [Falling for Archer's flattery] Oh, no don't try to rush me! Let's have another l'il drinkie! Got time for another l'il drinkie, dumpling?
Lew Harper: [Surveying Fay's dumpy body dismissively] Nah! It stiffens up my chewing gum! Anyway, you're too classy for a place like this!
Fay Estabrook: [a sad, far away look in her eyes as if trying to recall the last time someone has been so interested in her] Yeah, I am classy. Not everybody notices...
Fay Estabrook: [Falling for Archer's flattery] Oh, no don't try to rush me! Let's have another l'il drinkie! Got time for another l'il drinkie, dumpling?
Lew Harper: [Surveying Fay's dumpy body dismissively] Nah! It stiffens up my chewing gum! Anyway, you're too classy for a place like this!
Fay Estabrook: [a sad, far away look in her eyes as if trying to recall the last time someone has been so interested in her] Yeah, I am classy. Not everybody notices...
Lew Harper:
[placing a crank call to his wife, imitating English accent into phone] Mrs. Harper? Mrs. Lewis Harper?
Susan Harper: [puzzled and sleepy] Yes...
Lew Harper: Oh thank heavens! You see, we've just picked your name from this enormous drum full of names... Only you had to be there to win... and you are, so you have!
Susan Harper: Win?
Lew Harper: [flustered, thinking] ... Six... one-hour frug lessons, absolutely free. Yes. I'm Austin Schwartz-Marmaduke, of the Schwartz-Marmaduke Institue for Ballroom Education. You must've heard of us, we're just off Wilshire near the Frug Foundation...
Susan Harper: I don't want any frug lessons.
Lew Harper: Of course you do, dear lady. Why just think how t'riffic you'll feel next time you and your husband try frugging...
[starts to break up, chuckling at his own humor]
Lew Harper: how endlessly feminine you'll feel...
[starts to really break up]
Susan Harper: [she has recognized Harper's voice and is paying him back now] My husband is dead!
Lew Harper: [not sure where this is going] Well, that's too bad, as a matter of fact...
Susan Harper: [gaining the upper hand in this joke] No... as a matter of fact, you're wrong. His death did nothing but serve the cause of mankind. He was a fool, a sadist, a functioning pathological pervert... He was grotesque in all ways. Can a soul be atrocious?
[Harper has lost control and covers the phone, chuckling]
Susan Harper: His was. He was a degenerate's degenerate. You won't believe this, Mr. "Marmaduke", but he used to call me on the phone sometimes, pretending to be other people. He actually thought it was funny!
Susan Harper: [puzzled and sleepy] Yes...
Lew Harper: Oh thank heavens! You see, we've just picked your name from this enormous drum full of names... Only you had to be there to win... and you are, so you have!
Susan Harper: Win?
Lew Harper: [flustered, thinking] ... Six... one-hour frug lessons, absolutely free. Yes. I'm Austin Schwartz-Marmaduke, of the Schwartz-Marmaduke Institue for Ballroom Education. You must've heard of us, we're just off Wilshire near the Frug Foundation...
Susan Harper: I don't want any frug lessons.
Lew Harper: Of course you do, dear lady. Why just think how t'riffic you'll feel next time you and your husband try frugging...
[starts to break up, chuckling at his own humor]
Lew Harper: how endlessly feminine you'll feel...
[starts to really break up]
Susan Harper: [she has recognized Harper's voice and is paying him back now] My husband is dead!
Lew Harper: [not sure where this is going] Well, that's too bad, as a matter of fact...
Susan Harper: [gaining the upper hand in this joke] No... as a matter of fact, you're wrong. His death did nothing but serve the cause of mankind. He was a fool, a sadist, a functioning pathological pervert... He was grotesque in all ways. Can a soul be atrocious?
[Harper has lost control and covers the phone, chuckling]
Susan Harper: His was. He was a degenerate's degenerate. You won't believe this, Mr. "Marmaduke", but he used to call me on the phone sometimes, pretending to be other people. He actually thought it was funny!
Lew Harper:
[Sees Ralph's gaudy bedroom] Wow! No wonder your old man took to the sauce. I would, too, if I had to sleep in here.
