Beauregard Bottomley: [on phone in Flame O'Neal's apartment] Miss O'Neal is having Bottomley trouble!
[Slams down phone]

Beauregard Bottomley: [to waters] Shall I genuflect when leaving or just face Mecca?

Beauregard Bottomley: I know everything except what is commonly known as how to make a buck.

Beauregard Bottomley: If it is noteworthy and rewarding to know that 2 and 2 make 4 to the accompaniment of deafening applause and prizes, then 2 and 2 making 4 will become the top level of learning.

Happy Hogan: [Referring to his engagement to Bottomley's sister] Aren't you going to wish us good luck?
Beauregard Bottomley: Well, you're obnoxious but not as obnoxious as I thought you were.

Happy Hogan: Is there something special about me that you dislike or do you hate me for myself alone?
Beauregard Bottomley: Oh, I don't hate you Mr. Hogan.
Gwenn Bottomley: He merely thinks you are the forerunner of intellectual destruction in America.
Beauregard Bottomley: Yes, nothing personal.

Happy Hogan: You have five seconds to tell us the Japanese word for goodbye. 1... 2...
Beauregard Bottomley: Siyonara. Not to be confused with cyanide, which is, of course, goodbye in any language.

Frosty: Gee Mr Bottomley, you sure know a lot.
Beauregard Bottomley: I not only sure know a lot my dear Frosty, I know everything.

Caesar (voice): Let's get loaded.
[hiccup]
Burnbridge Waters: Don't worry. We will...

Gerald: Does Polly want a cracker?
Caesar (voice): Polly wants a drink, let's get loaded.*hiccup*
Gerald: He says the darnest things, doesn't he?
Caesar (voice): How about a short one, how about a short one?
Beauregard Bottomley: [to Caesar] You've had your quarter for the day. As I told you before, Gerald, neither I nor my sister taught him these expressions. His former master must have been the greatest reprobate since the emperor Nero.
Gwenn Bottomley: We found him one night leaning up against a lamppost. He couldn't remember where he lived.
Beauregard Bottomley: He still can't.
Gwenn Bottomley: Now we have him down to two drinks a day... soon we'll have him down to no drinks a day.
Caesar (voice): SQUAWK.
Beauregard Bottomley: Now you have frightened him. Caesar, Caesar...
Caesar (voice): CHAMPAGNE.
Beauregard Bottomley: No, no, sorry, you must rough it for a while.