Lt. Barney Greenwald: [sarcastically] Too bad we can't use you as an expert on psychiatry Mr. Keefer, after all, you made the diagnosis.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: And now we come to the man who should have stood trial. The Caine's favorite author. The Shakespeare whose testimony nearly sunk us all. Tell 'em, Keefer.
Lt. Tom Keefer: No, you go ahead. You're telling it better.
Lt. Barney Greenwald: You ought to read his testimony. He never even HEARD of Captain Queeg!
Lt. Steve Maryk: Let's forget it, Barney.
Lt. Barney Greenwald: Queeg was sick, he couldn't help himself. But you, you're real healthy. Only you didn't have one-tenth the guts that he had.
Lt. Tom Keefer: Except I never fooled myself, Mr. Greenwald.
Lt. Barney Greenwald: I wanna drink a toast to you, Mr. Keefer. From the beginning you hated the Navy. And then you thought up this whole idea and you managed to keep your skirts nice and starched and clean, even in the court martial. Steve Maryk will always be remembered as a mutineer. But you, you'll publish your novel, you'll make a million bucks, you'll marry a big movie star, and for the rest of your life you'll live with your conscience, if you have any. Here's to the real author of the Caine mutiny. Here's to you, Mr. Keefer.
[Splashes wine in Keefer's face]
Lt. Barney Greenwald: If you wanna do anything about it, I'll be outside. I'm a lot drunker than you are - so it'll be a fair fight.

Lt. Barney Greenwald: Now you're learning, Willie. You don't support your captain because you like him; you support him because he's got the job or you're no good!

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Aboard my ship, excellent performance is standard, standard performance is sub-standard, and sub-standard performance is not permitted to exist - that, I warn you.

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Anyone notice anything peculiar about Seaman First Class Urban? A shirt-tail hanging out of trousers is, I believe, regulation uniform for a bus boy, *not*, however, for a sailor in the United States Navy. These are some of the things we're going to start noticing again. Mr. Maryk, who is the morale officer?
Lt. Steve Maryk: We don't have one, sir.
Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Who, then, is the Junior Ensign?
Lt. Steve Maryk: Keith, sir.
Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Mr. Keith, you are now appointed the morale officer. In addition to your other duties, you are to see that shirttails are tucked inside trousers.
Lt. Keith: Aye, aye, sir.
Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: If I see one more shirttail flapping while I'm captain of this ship - woe betide the sailor; woe betide the OOD; and woe betide the morale officer. I kid you not.

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Get that red-headed fellow over there, that one there!
Lt. Keith: Sir, it's impossible to tell which one is red-headed. They're all wearing their helmets.
Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Keith - you're an idiot!

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Mr. Maryk, you may tell the crew for me that there are four ways of doing things aboard my ship: The right way, the wrong way, the Navy way, and my way. They do things my way, and we'll get along.

Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: This is the captain speaking. Some misguided sailors on this ship still think they can pull a fast one on me. Well, they're very much mistaken. Since you've taken this course, the innocent will be punished with the guilty. There will be no liberty for any member of this crew for three months. I will not be made a fool of! Do you hear me?

Lt. Keefer: [Lt. Keefer to Ensign Keith while giving him a tour of the Caine] The first thing you've got to learn about this ship is that she was designed by geniuses to be run by idiots.

Lt. Keefer: This is the engine room; to operate, all you need is any group of well-trained monkeys. 99 percent of everything we do is strict routine. Only one percent requires creative intelligence.